After All
by Norwalker
Summary: A dark post "Chosen" AU Fiction. Warning, there is character death. Starts BW, then WF, then.... Rated R for some content and themes.
1. Chapter 1

After All

Disclaimer: Joss Owns them, I borrow them.

Author's note: When I originally started this story, I planned it to be an exploration of a Buffy/ Willow  post "Chosen" relationship. Unfortunately for some, it didn't turn out that way. I'm to blame because I didn't rewrite this opening note. I'm doing that now, to correct any misconceptions about this story. Here goes:

This story begins as a Willow/ Buffy story. Then, it gets really complicated, with Faith added in the mix. It winds up Willow/ Faith, but it's not a happy ending for them. THERE IS CHARACTER DEATH IN THIS STORY. BE AWARE OF THIS, AND IF IT'S NOT TO YOUR LIKING, STOP NOW BEFORE YOU START.

If you do start it, and don't want to hit the Character death, consider Chapter 7 as the last one you read. After that, there's no way to avoid it. 

Last warning. DARK FICTION, DARK FICTION, DARK FICTION. Ok, you've been suitably warned.

As a side note, I did try to rewrite the last chapter, saving Willow, and trying to make Faith's death a little less dark. I tried, I really did. I got through about half way, and it just wasn't working. So I let this story stand as it was. It's one of my least popular stories.

In response, I wrote another story " I'll see you in my heart" . It was taken down because one love scene violated the TOS( they said NC-17, I said R…). If you email me( it's in my profile) I'll direct you to the site where you can read that. Or, if you have an account that can take attachments of about 170K, I'll mail you a zipped copy of that story.

Ok, I'm done. If you're brave, read on. If this isn't you're kind of story, please try some of my other fictions. Thanks anyway for reading this rather long note.

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After All

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A small town outside Rome. Towards the Mediterranean. Afternoon.

Buffy Summers is relaxing on the Beach, enjoying the sun. Life has certainly changed for her since her battle with the First. Time was, taking a vacation was … well…impossible for her. She was the Slayer, the Chosen one. No time off for good(or even bad) behavior. Even now, it was weird, just lazing under the sun, not worrying what the next 'thing' would be. What demon would get it in his head to take over, destroy or otherwise make the world miserable. 'Nope, nothing to do but to sit here, enjoy the sun, and bake a little. Which reminds me' she turns over onto her tummy, letting the sun wash over her back  'Half a tan just doesn't cut it' She chuckles.

Not that she wasn't still in the game. She had a new responsibility now. Giles had taken over and restructured the Watcher's Council(built it from the ashes, more like), and Buffy had taken on a new responsibility. She had become… what would you call it? Talent Scout? Spotter? Slayer detector? Whatever, she went around with a potential Watcher, and recruited new Slayers as they popped up(ok, maybe recruiter then). Along with the Watcher, she would tell them about themselves, what it meant, and then offer them the choice of becoming a slayer, or not. That was one of the great things about the now. They had a choice. No longer a duty, a destiny…these girls could chose to say "Not interested" and that was that. What surprised Buffy, somewhat, is that most chose to become slayers. Maybe it was an inborn thing. But even after hearing the down part(pain, lots, normal life, none, pay…you're kidding, right?, short life? Oh yeah) they often chose the life. Maybe that's where she was the freak. Who knows? But she knew that despite sometimes missing it, she was happy to not have to do it anymore. If she chose, that is.

Neither she nor Willow realized exactly what would be the result of that spell they cast, to activate all slayers. Their main goal had been to make the potentials into slayers, But all the potentials, worldwide, had been activated. Even at 1% of 1% of 1% of the population, that meant 6000 slayers, worldwide. The idea of that many slayers, a small army, was mind boggling. She had to grin. The Big Bad was in for one Big Bad of a headache.

She and many watchers had recruited through Belgium, France, Spain… and now Italy. Over 300 slayers, or nascent slayers, had been approached…and nearly 260 had 'signed on'. They were taken to England, where they were trained at the Watcher's council. A Watcher no longer had one, but many charges under him. Well, about time they worked for a living, Buffy chortled. Ok, Ok, Giles had always devoted an enormous amount of time to it…but hey…I was the one out there fighting ,right? And still there was a lot of Europe to go through. Sigh. Who knows how many there would be at the end of the tour? And there was still Asia, Africa, Latin America…she shook her head. Too much to think about , right now.

Well…Faith and Robin were doing the North America tour. She chuckled. We actually wanted to do it together. Me and Faith…the Slayer tour. Hee, hee that woulda been cool. No doubt, Faith is one hell of a girl to party with. But, in the end they thought it better to divide us up " Use your resource to the best advantage". Me? I think they just didn't want us together. We coulda gotten up to some trouble. Kinda cool how Faith and I, after all those years of being enemies, finally made it up, became friends. And now that she's got Robin, she seems really happy for the first time. I'm happy for her…and ok, a little jealous. I mean, when do I get my Hunk O' Hunks eh? Buffy shrugs. No big. Right now just happy being Buffy solo.

Well, at least I got Dawnie settled. She's in the American University in Rome, studying. I still can't believe where that girl gets the brainpower…not from big sis, let me tell you. She is totally smart…makes me look like dummy Buffy girl. I guess Will rubbed off on her. Double cool is that the Watcher's Council is paying for it YAAAAY. Ok, well…hitch. She's gotta be a Watcher afterwards. Wiggins time, let me tell you. I mean…Dawn ,watcher? Ewwww. But , if it's what she wants, what can I say?

Will and Kenny took South America. Last I heard, they were in Brazil. But that was awhile ago…long while ago, actually. 

Buffy gets a strange expression on her face… serious, a bit sad, a bit nostalgic.  She shakes her head, like trying to get rid of some disagreeable thought…then shrugs.

Anyway, hope things are going well for them. Sure would like to call, to find out. But I don't have a number for them, and they're moving around, so mail probably would miss them. Well, I'm sure they're doing fine, and all's well. I mean, Will always was up for a challenge, and I'm sure Kennedy is doing her best.

If Buffy were honest with herself, she would have to admit she missed Willow. After L.A. she didn't think that would be possible. But it's not really fair to blame it on just what occurred in L.A.  They had been drifting long before that… maybe as far back as the first year they were in college. Willow had Tara, I had Riley, and we were doing our thing. She with the magic stuff, me with the Slayage. Then there was Glory…and I lost Riley, and died… and was brought back. Living, but not really living… Ya know? And Willow had her problems with Magic, and she  and Tara broke up over it. And her addiction to it. How she tried to fight it…and the Trio(of geeks, no less) causing so much trouble. Just when she and Tara get back together, Tara dies…and Will goes Evil in her grief and anguish. And nearly destroying the World. Yikes. And then, afterwards, and after she went to England to heal…she came back. But there was an awkwardness we never entirely got over. We tried, and did get somewhat closer…fighting the First. But then L.A. happened…

Now, she's in South America, I'm here in Europe. So far away from each other. And … I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss the friend I had. That I could tell anything to. Could talk about fears, dreams…or just stuff. And it was all cool. And she helped me a lot. I didn't realize how  much 'til I didn't have her close to help anymore. That's always it, though, right? You never see what you got 'til you don't got it anymore. 

Then there's Spike. There is an enigma wrapped in a mystery tied up with a puzzle. So much easier when we just hated each other. Cleaner, purer, I guess. But then it got muddy…and after I came back, muddier. Using him to feel. Something. Anything. And he tried to rape me. That's confusing too, because did I really expect him to follow some moral code? He was evil… leashed, but still Evil. He was playing by the set rules, but I changed them. But no means no. Even he, finally, got that.  Then he left, and came back… with a soul. But unlike Angel, it didn't really night and day him. There was still  Spike there… he wasn't totally William…or totally Spike. Confusing? You betcha it was confusing.  Something was there between us. Something that could've grown, been more. Had there been time. But there wasn't time. I didn't even realize my own feelings 'til nearly the end, when he was already dying, fighting the First. And he didn't believe it. Didn't believe it. He died as he lived…confused. And I live on, confused.

Damn I miss Will. I could talk to her about this. No doubt, she would get the major wiggins, but she would still listen. And try to help. But, that's not gonna happen. 

Unless I do something. Find a way to contact her. Feel her out…maybe we can work this out.

I dunno. It wasn't pretty. But…maybe I can try, ya know? Can't be much harder than fighting Glory. Much.

Yeah, that's the way to make it happen… scare yourself

Buffy picks up her cell, and makes a call.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow Rosenberg wondered exactly what she was doing here, anyway?

She knows she's supposed to be helping in 'recruiting' new slayers, but she doesn't really seem to be doing much of anything. She goes with Kenny and a Watcher, and is kinda like the silent(is that, as in dumb?) 3rd partner. Not saying much, If anything. Watching as they interview and test nascent slayers, and make the offer. Then she gets the fun job of writing the reports, while the others go out, or whatever. She had hooked up, thinking… " South America…wow. Cool food, adventure, pretty scenery." Instead, she might as well be in a library back in L.A. for all the local color she soaks up.

Even being with Kenny…wasn't turning out all that wonderful. When they first met, back in Sunnydale, fighting the first. It had been all wiggly and exciting and fun. I mean, she had liked the " I know what I want…YOU" from Kennedy. The in your face attitude, and then the sweetness she showed making love. It had been so …nice. It was so different than it had been with Tara. But in a nice way.

But the bloom was definitely off there. After the first, after taking this new assignment, things had changed. Kennedy was …ok, just say it, she was totally flirting with the new slayers, hanging with them…and not spending a whole lotta time with Willow. And that hurt Willow a lot more than she liked to admit. Willow had been quiet about it, hoping it was just a phase, the excitement of the new job, etc. But as time passed, it didn't seem to be lessening…rather the opposite. Willow was beginning to believe this had been a mistake. A big mistake. But she wasn't gonna admit it. No sir, not her. Uh-uh. She would hang in there, 'til she saw it through.

But she was missing stuff. She totally missed Tara. More than a year had passed since she… had passed, and still it hurt. Lots. She couldn't get over it entirely. And Xander… she missed her lifelong friend and goofball. He seemed so clueless…'til he surprised you with how much he totally got it. She smiled. Even with one eye, he still saw it all. She really missed him. And Giles. Boy, she missed Giles. She never admitted it, but she always fantasized that Giles was her dad, showing her the world. He was more a dad than her dad had been. She missed being able to talk to him about stuff. Even when he lectured her, she secretly liked it…most of the time.

But I'll tell you one person I don't miss. Buffy Summers.

Well… not a lot anyway. Hardly at all. A little., maybe.

No, why should I miss her, huh? She pretty much let me know what she thought about me, about Kenny, about Kenny and me. Like she did so good at picking boyfriends, huh? Where does she get off? Who does she think she is?

Your best friend.

Yeah, right. Sure. Thought best friends were supposed to support you. Stand by you. Not carp on you. Not get in your face about your choices. She was just jealous. That's it. I had someone, and she….

Willow pauses, closing her eyes. She looks unhappy"… was alone. Again." Willow had forgotten about Spike, how he'd just died, saving the world. And how maybe Buffy was mourning him, in her own way.

Still…she didn't have to say those things. They were mean, and hurtful. 

Of course, none of your stuff was mean… or hurtful, was it?

Willow winces. She did it first!

That's mature, Willow. It's ok to hurt, long as they do it first, right?

Whose side you on, anyway?

Yours.

Then why're you at me? Why're you doing this?

Maybe you miss her. You're best friend. Maybe you could use a best friend right now?

Maybe. But that's not happening. Not after what was said. That's over.

Is that what you want? For it to be over?

Silence

Is it?

"…no.." small voice.

What do you want, Willow?

She wanted, more than anything, to take back those last 5 minutes. To take back those words she said, and never meant. Said in anger, and in spite.

But that couldn't happen. All she could do was live with it. She'd made her choices, said what she said, and no amount of wishing would change that.

Willow looked at the report she was writing, and couldn't understand at first why the screen appeared fuzzy. Til she realized she was crying… had been for the last few minutes. She rubbed furiously at her eyes, trying to rub out the hurt with her hands. But it remained, and became stronger.

She laid her head on the desk, and just gave into her feelings.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Los Angeles, California. Evening. A few months prior.

It was a balmy June evening, as was common in L.A.  Buffy Summers was enjoying the night air, sitting in the courtyard of the old hotel that had been the offices of Angel investigations for the last couple of years. Now that  Angel was the CEO of the L.A. Branch of Wolfram and Hart, the building was largely unused. It was currently occupied by Buffy, Willow, Faith, and the rest of the refugees of the battle with The First. The wounded had been tended to, and were recuperating upstairs. Some had already left, their families coming to bring them home. Things were settling down, and plans were being made for the future. The Scoobies, homeless with the destruction of Sunnydale, had come here … there was no other place to go. But it was just temporary 'til things could be sorted out.

Many things were on Buffy's mind. One of them was Angel. It bothered her that he was now working for an organization that had so recently been dedicated to his removal and destruction. Whose purpose in the many dimensions and countries it had offices in was for … frankly, evil. Angel had made the case for working from the inside, using the vast resources of Wolfram and Hart to fight the good fight, do as much good as possible. But it just didn't sit right with her. Too much temptation, too likely to give in, "go with the flow", so to speak. She didn't like it.

Of course, Angel didn't tell her the real reason for accepting the offer. Two reasons, actually. One was the care of Cordelia while she was in a coma, hoping to eventually cure her, and restore her. But the main reason was his son, Conner. His son, that no one remembered now. Because the clincher had been that the senior partners, as they were called, had folded time, and gave Conner a normal life… a life in a normal family, happy with a future. Angel had seen Conner after the destruction of Jasmine. After he lost his faith in her. How …desolate he was, how miserable. He'd lost his father figure(Stephen Holtz), his love(Cordelia) and his child(Jasmine). His was ambiguous in his feelings towards Angel. His short life had been spent in a hell dimension, and he had never known untainted love or happiness. Angel, his father in all ways, decided that he had to give his son a life free from the pain of being his son. So, he sacrificed his son ever knowing him, to give him happiness. And had struck the deal with Wolfram and Hart to do it. But no one knew, or would ever know what he'd done. Not even Buffy.

Buffy was mourning the loss of Spike. It was still hard to accept losing someone you were beginning to really care for, and about. She did care about the Spike who had changed so radically over the years. From a bloody, soulless vampire who's main pleasure was torturing his victims(one way being driving a rail spike through their heads...ergo, the nickname 'Spike') to a vampire with a soul, who had changed, really changed. Lots of the bravado and attitude had still been there, but the core was different. He'd become a decent, caring being. She had turned to him when she was at her low, and he'd comforted her without asking for anything but the privilege of comforting her. There had been an animal attraction between them, at least on her side, before he'd gotten his soul. But that had been changing…into something deeper, more profound. But, that was over, gone with Spike and Sunnydale…buried in the crater that had once been her home.

She was mourning more than that, however. She was mourning the loss of her friends. Her 'scoobies'. Her slayerettes. With the destruction of Sunnydale, and the sealing of the Hellmouth it sat on, there was no reason for them to be a 'group' any longer. They were coming apart, drifting. Xander was first. He was planning on leaving soon. 'To find himself' as he put it. To make a life for himself, and to find a new home. And to grieve the love of his life, Anya, who'd been killed in the battle. Faith, with whom she'd just starting bonding in friendship, was leaving for New York with Robin. From there, they were going to cover the U.S. in search of slayers…the slayers that had been activated by Willow's spell…hundreds, perhaps thousands of them worldwide. She and Dawn were off to Europe, stopping briefly in Britain with Giles, then on to the continent to do the same thing. And Willow, with Kennedy, was going to cover South America. It was all very important, very necessary, she realized, but it didn't change her feelings. She was losing something, something fundamental to her. For the last 7 years, through good and bad, her friends had been with her. Others had come, and gone, but the core group had always remained together. And now that was ending. It meant losing something that had been an integral part of her life for long, long time.

She already knew she was going to miss Willow most of all. Out of the group, Willow had been closest to her. They had shared so much together, and had leaned on each other when times were bad. And she had seen Willow change from a shy, geeky computer nerd into a strong, powerful woman…and an extraordinarily powerful Wicca. Even when things had been bad between them, when the had drifted apart for so long, they still came together and fought together, facing the world together. It was hard to give her up. Very hard.

And, frankly, it bothered her. Willow, with Kennedy. Or Kenny, as everyone called her. Buffy had tried, bent over backwards trying, but she just couldn't like Kenny. Something about the former potential just really rubbed her the wrong way. She never listened. She always knew better. She was a smart mouthed little…ok, Buffy… chill. Point being, try as she might, she couldn't stand the girl. The only thing that had prevented her from taking Kennedy out and cleaning her clock on a number of occasions had been Willow liking…loving?… Kennedy. That had been her saving grace. And Kennedy was too…dense to see it. To be fair, there were good things about Kennedy… She had no fear, she was good to Willow…but, hey, these are my thoughts, I don't have to be fair. I don't like her, and I think she's wrong for Will. Sue me!

Buffy was lost in her thoughts when a hand descended on her shoulder, and squeezed lightly. She nearly jumped out of her skin…then saw a familiar face, with curls of red hair framing it. She smiled, her heart feeling lighter. She patted a seat next to her, and Willow sat down.

"Hey" Buffy said, smiling a little

"Hey" Willow replied. " Whatcha thinking?"

"Oh, stuff.." Buffy said. " Guess I'm thinking about what's gonna happen now" Her voice was a bit sad.

"Hey, hey, Buffy…it's gonna be ok" Willow said, putting an arm around Buffy's shoulders "It's gonna be good".

" I dunno, Will. We're all going away from each other. Xander's leaving, Giles is leaving…I'm leaving, I guess, ….you're gonna leave…so far away…"

"We'll keep in touch, Buffy. Promise" Will said." Not like there aren't phones and stuff… and email…and hey…we could have a reunion…you know? Like every year, we all get together….the "We saved the World" reunion. And… and we could rent a hall…and tell stories…and party… and have punch…it'd be great" Will goes on enthusiastically. Buffy smiles, but she looks away.

"It's all changing, Will. It's all gonna be different. You're gonna be half a world away. Who am I gonna go to get mochas with? Who's gonna be there, when I need to talk? Who will I hang with? You'll have Kennedy…you're time'll be hers now. You won't have time for me anymore…" Buffy says, maybe with a little resentment.

"Buffy, that's not true…I'll always have time…" Willow starts, but Buffy won't let her finish.

"Puh-lease, Will. It's been like this since Kenny showed up. You don't have time for me. You're always with her. You don't hang with me anymore. You're always taking her side, defending her when she screws up…" Buffy says

"Buffy, what's this about?" Willow asks, getting a little irritated. I mean, where she get off, anyway?

" Will, she's all wrong for you. Don't you see that? She doesn't care about you. She's gonna use you, then when she's through, she's gonna dump you, break your heart. And I won't be there to pick up the pieces…." Buffy started, but Willow stops her

"Pick up the pieces? What're you saying? You've never been there to pick up the pieces, Buffy. My god, when Tara died, where were you?"

"Shot, Will… remember? In the hospital? And you had gone all evil and veiny by that time" Buffy said.

"And still, I managed to take that bullet out of you and heal you. And what? Did you try to reach out to me, Buffy? No, I don't think so. All you could do was think " gotta stop Willow, Gotta fight Willow. What about " Gotta help Willow"? Where did that go?"

"Help? How? You were all vengeful…you didn't listen to anyone. You flayed Warren alive, you tried to kill me, Giles, and Anya…and nearly Dawn and Xander with the fireball… Help you? You didn't want help…you wanted to destroy it all!"

"Really? How come then Xander was able to stop me? What, did he become Superboy? Don't think so. Did he eat his spinach, and knock me into tomorrow? Not so. He reached out to me. Let me know that NO MATTER WHAT, he still cared about me, that no matter, he loved me. But, could you do that? I mean, I know you knew how I felt, Buffy. I saw how you were when you lost your mom. You knew the devastation of losing someone. But reach out? No way. You were too involved with yourself, Buffy. Too boo- hoo about being alive. God, like that was so bad. But to you it was, going around for a year in a half daze. God, Buffy…you don't think of anything but yourself."

"Try getting pulled out of heaven, Will…see how you feel" Buffy said, now getting really angry.

"Oh, goddess, are we back to that AGAIN? Boo Hoo, Buffy get OVER it already. We're sorry. God, we didn't know. We thought you were in some hell dimension. We were supposed to leave you there? What's your deal, Buffy?"

" You have no idea what it was like, Will. No idea what I went through." Buffy says, voice getting loud. Some of the people inside come to the window, watching…

" Maybe not, Buffy. But I know what I went through, what everybody went through. First, we had to bury your mom. Then, we had to bury you. Have any idea what that was like Buffy? How devastated everyone was? No, you have no idea. Yeah, I had to try something…because we couldn't deal. Ok? And we thought you were in torment. So, excuse me!" Willow is near screaming.

"Right. Then you left me alone to dig my way outta that grave. That was great, let me tell you! I thought I came back as a vampire. I didn't know I was confused. God, my worst fear, realized. And there was no one there to tell me different. I wandered around, not know what was what. Till Dawn happened to find me."

"What? We were attacked by demons, Buffy. Would it have been better if we stayed, and you find our bodies?" Willow spat out at her.

" How can you even say that?" Buffy growls… she's trying to regain control, but it isn't working too well." Face it, Will. Even then you were out of control. With the magic. Why do think Tara left you? You started up with Amy, and then Rack, trying to get some Supernatural high…you got addicted. You nearly killed Dawn that time with the car. And it just kept spinning out of control. You blame Tara's death for your losing control, going evil. What? Maybe it was gonna happen anyway" 

Willow is livid. Her temper is out of control, but she starts out quietly, ice like. But the volume increases as she continues.

"You're right, Buffy. I was out of control. I did bad things. And I'm still paying for them every day, minute by minute. But you're right Buffy…as always. Right again" Her voice is dripping sarcasm." I should never have interfered. I should have let things take their natural course. Maybe things would've been better for everyone. Maybe Dawn wouldn't have felt rejected by you, and turn to stealing for attention. Certainly Spike wouldn't have had the conflicted signals from you. Come get me, no go away, no come, no go. Ad naseum. I know for a fact that …asshole Warren wouldn't have come looking to shoot you, and kill Tara instead! Even The First, Buffy. Giles said a great deal of the First's agenda had to do with two active slayers co-existing at the same time…the fact that you came back from the dead. So, you're right, Buffy. As always" Willow is over the top now." I WISH THAT I HAD NEVER DONE IT! I WISH I HAD NEVER BROUGHT YOU BACK. I WISH YOU WERE STILL DEAD!!!!"

Five seconds after the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back. That she had never said them. But it was too late…way too late.

She saw how Buffy took it. Buffy's eyes were wide, her mouth in a small "o" shape. Then, her face set, and expression went grim. She didn't say another word. She just turned, and walked out.

Willow stood there, remorse and anger freezing her to the spot. She kept clenching and unclenching her fists. Staring at the spot where Buffy had been.

The next day, Buffy was gone. She told Giles and Dawn she needed time alone, that she would meet them in London. She also told them they're to tell no one where she was, or she wouldn't speak to them again. Dawn, after that, was cool but polite to Willow. Giles, on the other hand, knew that Willow was upset. But he was angry with her too. And disappointed.

It came down to finally who was on whose side. Some took Willow's side, some Buffy's. But in the end it didn't matter. There were no winners here, only losers. The biggest losers being Buffy and Willow.

They haven't seen or spoken to each other since that night. The wounds were too fresh and raw for either to reach out.

But they both were still hurting. Both needed the other. 

And both were beginning to realize it.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Continue? Yes ? No? 

Again, it's up to you. I wait for your reviews. Please read and let me know  =)


	2. Chapter 2

After All, Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the owner of the characters depicted herein. As if you didn't know that, already.

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After All

Chapter 2

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Buffy already knew her answer even before she spoke.

She had been watching the girl while Pietro, her watcher companion, explained her 'destiny' to her. Her 'gift' to her. The young woman had sat all closed up. Her arms were crossed, her legs crossed. Her face was quiet, but you could see she wasn't happy.' Wasn't happy…poor thing, I know that feeling. Someone coming and telling you that you're chosen to fight vampires and demons, your life isn't your own anymore. Good chance you'll die young. No life to speak of. Yup, I remember that made me wanna dance'. Buffy was inclined to pull Pietro off, say hey, lets let her be, she doesn't need to do this. But she knew at this stage, she couldn't. they had to have a 'field trial'. That is, expose the girl to a vampire, let her try to kill it(Buffy was there in case anything went wrong), see what her reaction is then. That is the telling moment. A lot of younger girls had changed their minds after killing a vampire. Somehow, it made it real to them. Gave them a sense of empowerment.

But Buffy wasn't there for the ones who wanted this. She was there for the ones who didn't. When she came across the girl who, after the field trial, , rejected it, she talked to them. Made them understand it was ok. That they had that choice. Often as not, they needed that reassurance. It wasn't an easy choice to make. There is that desire in everyone to be 'special', and this definitely made you special. But it was deadly if you were doing it for the wrong reasons. Buffy would scope them out, try to understand why they felt as they did. Sometimes, it was no more than they were afraid to fail. Those girls she encouraged to go on…she sensed they really wanted to do it, but just were green…with time, they would be ok. Those with the wrong reasons for being a slayer… and there were some who wanted to use it for their own ends( god knows what), she weeded out. The ones who simply, after their 'trial', simply were afraid, didn't like it…she told them it was ok, it was their choice. She went on to explain there was no 'shame' in refusing(some were hesitant because of that). Her goal was to see that those who became slayers, did so because they wanted to, and because they had the right motivations.

Buffy, after 8 months, had begun to develop a sense of who would, and wouldn't be a slayer. She could watch their interview, and pretty much call it now. Their body language was telling. Usually the ones who closed up during it, pretty much were going to reject being a slayer…it happened about 99% of the time. She was pretty sure this one was going to refuse. But, she didn't make the rules. They would go out this evening, and expose her to the 'trial'. Buffy hated this part of the process when she was pretty sure that the girl wasn't going for it, cause it usually meant she had to step in to finish the job. That only brought the 'recruited" embarrassment. She was going to talk to Giles about this. In these cases, she felt it was unnecessary for them to continue… pointless, really.

Buffy, herself, was beginning to feel a restlessness. A pointlessness to what she was doing. She hated to admit it, especially after all the talking she'd done about having a 'normal' life, but she wanted a more active role … she missed being an active slayer. It was particularly weird, because she had always said if she had the chance, she would give it up in a minute. She complained constantly how it messed up her social life, her love life…her life in general. How she couldn't have a relationship because how do you tell your mate " Hey, guess what? I kill demons and vamps for a living". That's a real turn on. Then there's the time you gotta spend doing it, and the time you don't have to spend with your honey. And the feelings of inadequacy they get. Geeze, guys have such fragile egos, I swear! Being a slayer definitely puts a crimp in things.

But, she wasn't exactly doing the relationship thing, was she? And, there was the rush. She hadn't wanted to admit it, but Faith had it so right. Slaying makes you hungry, and horny. It gave you this incredible high. Oh, not missing  the bruises, the cuts, the gashes, the dislocated everything. The broken bones, and stays in the hospital, at times. But, there was just nothing like slaying to make the blood pump, the heart go Wheeeeeee , and to give you this incredible satisfaction. And she wanted it again. Badly.

Maybe, if she started slaying again, she could put the other stuff out of her mind. Maybe, she could find a way to let things go, get on with her life. Right now…she felt like she was in a holding pattern in her life. And she didn't want to admit why. But it had to do with a certain person she was missing… and a chunk of her heart missing with her.

Maybe, if she started being The Slayer, again, she could become hard on the inside… stop feeling. Maybe her heart would stop hurting. Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't care anymore.

' I finally made the call to Giles, to get  Will's number. Then, when I got it, I … couldn't call. I'd punch in the number, I'd…sit there, looking at hit… and instead of call, I pushed end. It's hard to call someone who told you they wished you were dead. I know she said it in anger… she didn't mean it…really. But, what if she did mean it? What if I called, and she said it again? As long as I didn't call, I could say she didn't mean it. But if I found out she DID mean it… what then? Stupid, right? But … I was chicken. Chicken girl…that's me. I'd bring it up, ready to call…and then …didn't. This was so stupid! I can face demons, and vampires, and hell gods, but one red headed witch makes me … jell-o heart. Ok, so after a week(stop laughing), I called.

It was so… polite. Not use the right fork with salad, polite. Stranger polite. Like… we …didn't know each other polite. God, it sucked.'

Will: Hello?

Buffy: (hesitates)… Will?

Will: Buffy?(for a second, almost like old Will…then it changed.) What do you want?

Buffy: Ummm… I wanted to see how you were?

Will: (pause). Oh .(pause). Fine. I'm fine. How are you?( miss manners always says, ask how the other party is)

Buffy: Fine ( not so fine, thank you)

Will: Good(what does she want?)

Buffy: Good(can't think of what to say).

Long pause in conversation.

Will: So…was there something I can do for you?( Why are you calling me, Buffy? why are you doing this? What do you want, Buffy? This hurts, Buffy! Don't you get it? It hurts!)

Buffy: No.(oh, god, this so totally blows). I just wanted to see how you were, say hi(desperate much, Buffy?).

Will: Oh.(Dying here now). I gotta go, Buffy(or I'm gonna start crying …can't let you hear that).

Buffy: Yeah( No!). Me too( Don't go, please talk to me). Gotta go(liar).

Will: Bye, Buffy(feeling tears…running away) 

Buffy: Will, I….

CLICK

Buffy(to dial tone): Bye, Will.

'I think at that moment, I woulda preferred a stake through my heart. It woulda hurt less. I think you can see why I didn't call again… Ok, I'm lying. I did call again. A lot. Got her voice mail. Left messages. Lots of messages. She didn't call back.

Crap. Stupid, huh?

Really stupid. Really totally stupid. What did I expect? I mean, she more or less said" Drop dead, Buffy." So, I call her after no contact in three months(Yeah, my fault, I know, ok). And what? I expect " Hey, Buffy, just kidding. Alls good!" Why do I even care? Not like I've never lost a friend before. Why does this mean so much?(Why does she mean so much?)

Why can't I get her out of my head?(Why can't you get her out of your heart?) Why does she ….haunt me so? Why can't I just let it go?( Do you want to let her go… really ?). I don't sleep well… she's there, in my dreams. Sometimes good. Lots of times, bad. I dream about the fight. A lot. And she kills me at the end. But I don't die once, I die every with every word. Like a new knife goes through me…

So, I gotta be a Slayer again. I can kill demons. I can dust Vampires. Easy, no problem. Kick, punch, fight, they die. All is good.

But I can't fight this. It's too hard. It hurts too much. Too damned much.

So, if I become a Slayer, I can go hard inside. I don't have to feel anymore. I can just keep killing the bad guys.

It won't feel like my guts are being ripped out anymore, right?

I can kill things. Get out my anger. Cut things, get out my hurt. Dust 'em all…get out the pain. And if I slip, I mess up, I die.

That's not so bad, is it?  You die, you don't feel things. It doesn't hurt anymore.

You can see the logic, right?  Kill things, don't feel. Die. No pain

It's all good, right?

Right?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow was ready to give up.

It had seemed such a good idea. Coming to South America. Recruiting slayers. Being with Kenny. All good, right?

Wrong. So wrong. So, so wrong.

At first, it was wonderful. Great. Fantastic. Kenny treated me so….mmmmm…. and she did ….mmmmm.. so well. She was an attentive lover, so sweet….so hot…my mind blowing through the roof hot. Sweaty moany my body on fire hot. It was good, all so good…so what happened?

I don't know. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I needed her too much, I don't know. But after awhile, it started to change.

She started hanging out with the 'new' slayers. After their field test, after they had decided to be part of it, she would take them out. Just to buy 'em a drink, let 'em know it's like… a club. She said. Even  then, at first, she'd come home, and it'd be wild. But that soon changed, too.

I found myself regulated to doing the reports. Kenny wouldn't do it, the 'Watcher Council' guy wouldn't do it. I had to do it.  Cause I would do it, cause I knew it was important. Got to the point where that was my function, I began to feel like the fifth wheel… on a motorcycle. And not just as a part of the team

She started not coming home. Not 'til late. I don't know what I did… but it changed. I would wait up…then go to bed. Then, later, I'd hear her come in…settle in bed. Not reach out for me, not even seem to know I was there.

I tried, I really tried. I'd go out, even when I didn't feel like it, to be with her. But even there, it was like I was alone. I mean, she'd be talking with someone else, or dancing with someone else( she always asked" you don't mind, do you?" and of course,  idiot said " No, no go ahead"). I felt as alone as being at home. Except now, I was ignored in public, instead of private.  Humiliated much, Will?

What did I do wrong? I don't know. I wish I did, I could fix it. I could make it better. But I don't know what I did. It was like, she stopped caring. Didn't matter. I'd be there. No one else to play with? Go home to Willow, and play there. Otherwise, Will was at home, waiting. Stupid much, Will?

I was being used. And I was too blinded by love, or what I wanted to be love, to see it. Damn me, for being so stupid.

That shattered the night I started smelling other women on her. She didn't even make an effort to clean it off her, take a shower, something for goddess sake. No. Just crawled into bed with them on her. At that moment, I wanted so much to be a slayer. So much…so I could kick her ass to Bolivia and back. Damn her!!!

And of course, that is the time that Buffy made that surreal phone call.

Right then, when it was at it's worst. And I didn't want to admit it.

Cause she'd been right. So right. Damn her, too!

When I heard her voice, I nearly lost it. I wanted so bad to just break down, and say you were right, I was wrong. But I couldn't … I wouldn't. I knew…I would hear that oh so superior Buffy tone in her voice. And I didn't want to hear that. I … had my pride, you know. I know she wouldn't rub it in, she wouldn't say " I told you so". She'd listen, and be sympathetic. But I knew that tone would creep in…and I didn't so didn't want to hear it right then.

So, I went…cold. I heard her…trying to reach out. And I …kept her distant. Pushed her away. And when I knew I was gonna lose it, I hung up on her.

When all I really wanted was to break down. To hear her say it would be all ok. She would fix it.

I wanted her to be magically transported here. To hold me. To comfort me. To hold me like I wanted her to hold me when Oz left. Like when  I came back from England, after … I went dark…. I wanted her to hold me, to tell me it would all be ok. Like…I wanted her to hold me like forever since I knew her. To hold me. To love me, like I love her. And can never tell her.

Tara knew. She sensed it, and one day just told me. I told her she was so wrong. And I really believed it. I loved Tara. I still love Tara. That'll never ever change. But, she knew…even when I wouldn't admit it to myself, she knew.

I think that's why she let me do that spell. To bring back Buffy. Even though it was so dangerous, she agreed. Because she saw how Buffy's death was killing me, slowly. But it was happening. She  knew, even if I didn't want to say it, or think it…that without Buffy, I'd totally die.

Like I'm dying, bit by bit, now. Without Buffy.

She called me back. A lot. And I wouldn't talk to her. Hurt too much. And she left messages. Lots of them. I deleted them. I never called her back. Couldn't. Because I knew I would …lose it.

God, where is this coming from? This isn't about me and Buffy. there is no me and Buffy. There is me. There is Buffy. there is no 'and' in there.

This is about me and Kenny. But …there is no me and Kenny, either.

And that's why I can't be here anymore. I can't stay here anymore. I'm done with here.

I gotta go. Don't know where yet. Probably back to California.

Maybe San Francisco. It's pretty there. And being gay doesn't seem to be a crime there. Maybe get back into computers. Practice my Wicca. It could be good there.

And that is when she got the second strange phone call. From Angel.

Cordelia Chase had passed away. She never recovered from her coma. He was holding a memorial service, and wanted her friends to attend. 

I almost said no. Cordy and I?  Well, lets be charitable. We never were what you would call buds.

But I heard the tone in his voice. Like he needed her friends to come. So , she agreed to come. She would be there for him.

After she hung up the phone, the other reason why she agreed kicked in.

Buffy would be there.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

When Buffy's call came, she was lost.

In her thoughts. Wondering how she was going to tell Giles she was quitting.

She knew she couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't working for her, and everything else going on with her, just made it worse. She thought, when she took this assignment, that she'd have a way to keep a hand in, without actually having to slay anymore. She could do this, and have a normal life. A life outside of the Council, and slaying.

But she had come to realize something. It didn't work for her. She needed to be all or nothing. She had to be a slayer, or not be involved. Being a recruiter…just didn't fit for her. And being a Watcher only gave her the wiggins. She couldn't be part of the faceless bureaucracy. So, her choice was simple. Either go back to slaying, 'til she couldn't do it anymore, or…died; or get out completely. Give it up totally. Be a civilian. Right now she couldn't make that choice, but she did know , she had to quit being what she was now.

And, she was missing home. Ok, Sunnydale is a crater, but she really meant, she was missing California. She loved Europe, especially Italy, but … it wasn't home. And she wanted to go home now.

But where? L.A.?  No, that's Angel's town. And too many memories were associated with Angel. L.A. wouldn't work. So, where?

San Diego? Pretty, yes. But not what she was looking for. No, probably her choice would be San Francisco. She could blend there. Maybe go back to school at San Francisco State or UC Berkeley. And it was pretty…really pretty. And it was open there…you could be different without being noticed, really. Everyone was different in San Francisco. Maybe she could think there. Decide what she wanted. Maybe she could come to terms with this stuff happening to her. Maybe, she could confront how she felt about Will there.

Because Buffy had been doing a lot of thinking. And she was realizing that her feelings towards Will had changed.

They had become deeper, and stronger. And she wanted more than friendship, if she wanted to be wholly honest.

And it was giving her major wiggins. Cause until this moment, she hadn't realized it had been going on for longer than just now.

Much longer.

Before college, longer. Oh …boy.

She didn't know how to deal. It was so totally something she'd never considered. Was she gay? Don't think so…so why…do you feel like this? Don't know…but know it's making me all …panicky. So she needed to think. And be somewhere else. And San Francisco was looking good right now.

Her phone rang.

It was Angel. Cordelia Chase had died. She never came out of her coma. He was holding a memorial for her, and wanted her to be there. All her friends to be there.

She and Cordy had never been particularly close. Maybe one reason being Buffy could see herself as Cordy if her calling had never happened. And it gave her a bit of a scare. But, mainly, it was because Cordy didn't hang much with the Scoobies. She just hadn't known her that long.

But , as she was about to refuse, she realized that Angel needed her there. Could use the support. Like the support he gave her when her mom died…and all the other times. So, she agreed to come.

And after she hung up, the final brick fell into place

Will would be there.

Oh…crap

This might not be so good, after all

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

TBC

Ok, I know right about now, the Kennedy fans are gonna let me have it. I have provided a nice crate of overripe tomatoes for their throwing pleasure. But this is, and I warned you, a Buffy/ Willow ship. So…sorry.

.


	3. Chapter 3

After All, Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Everyone. Thank Joss Whedon for creating such dynamic and fun characters that we all get to play with. He owns 'em, and so far hasn't sued me. So, I'm eternally grateful( Nope, not making a penny on this…it's all for love).

Author's Note: Thank you, one and all for the kind reviews. You have to a person encouraged me to go forward with this little fiction. I hope I continue to amuse you. If not, well… The snack bar is open, and has a lovely variety of vegetables you can throw at me. 

As you can see, there are some spoilers for AtS. I do so hope you have seen the 100th  episode, or you have yet more reason to throw stuff at me. But, I think it's apropos, that Cordy perform one last act here on this " Off ramp on her journey".

Let's continue

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

After All

Chapter 3

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy spent her time on her long plane trip sleeping, and writing in her journal.

"… I don't even know why I'm making this trip. It's strange, really. All my time in high school, I never really knew Cordelia Chase. Queen C, as she dubbed herself. We were never even remotely what you would call close, yet there is a …bond there. Of course, she did for awhile hang with the Scoobies… mostly to be close to Xander(now, that was weird… Cordy and Xander).

Yet, I think it's more I recognize what I might have been, if I hadn't had my 'destiny' foisted on me. A clone of Cordelia Chase.(Can I shudder now? Ok, not fair. She might have acted the Bitch, but there were times when the human side of her took over, and she could be…nice?…well, at least try. Buffy, don't you know it's not nice to speak ill of the dead. God!). 

I guess I regret never getting to know the 'real' Cordy Chase. At least, the one that Angel knew. There must have been something there; something quite special. It was evident, speaking with Angel on the phone, that she had a place in his heart. And whatever else you can say about Angel, he is not easily fooled. Guess 250 years of experience does that for you. I wish that somehow I'd been able to know that Cordelia… she seemed worth knowing.

I want to be there for Angel. I know right now, it's a bad time for him. In so many ways. I'm still worried about him working for Wolfram and Hart. I know, he's CEO of the L.A. Branch…he controls the operations. But there are the 'Senior Partners' to please…and everyone knows they are the BAD GUYS!!!!! The reasons he gave all sound good on the surface, but it still gives me the queasies. No matter how you try, getting good out of evil.. just doesn't work. Even Angel isn't immune to the slow corruption a place like that must promote. I could tell, from the few phone conversations we had that he seemed to be losing his way… losing confidence in who he was, what his purpose was.

But it's strange. Even with the sadness I could sense, I could also sense a renewal in him. Some regaining of his purpose. Like, he'd been put back on track for what he's meant to do. I don't understand it. Someday, I will solve all the little mysteries surrounding Angel. Why he went to work for Wolfram and Hart…and this big secret I sense he is keeping…someday, I'll  figure out the enigma wrapped in a puzzle shrouded in a mystery that is Angel. Someday.

But lets get down to it, shall we Buffy? A big part of the reason you're flying into L.A. from Italy, to attend a funeral of a woman who you didn't know all that well. When Angel mentioned that he was inviting all the scoobies to come. And you're hoping against hope that Willow will come, fly in from South America to be there. That maybe, somehow, I'll see her. Maybe even if we can…talk. Calling her was a joke. That …never panned out. But maybe she won't be able to turn away if I'm right there in front of her.

God, we said awful things to each other. Hurtful things, things that cut to the core. When she said " … I wish you were still dead" I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It hurt, badly. I can't lie about that. But, I know she didn't really mean it. I know it. We were still both stressed out from fighting The First. We had been under that shadow for nearly a year. She had to deal with Tara's Death… Alone, pretty much. And on top of that, the consequences of her magic…how she nearly destroyed the world. Knowing what a gentle, sweet soul she is, really, how devastating was that for her? And was I there for her? Not really. I know I wasn't there for her, like I should have been…like I wanted to be. There was just too much going on. But that's really a poor excuse. I should've been there more. Somehow, I should've made the time. She needed me, and I let her down. How many times have I turned to her, and she's been there for me? I can't count 'em. But  when it's my turn… I failed. Like I failed her when Oz left. I got so wrapped up in Riley, and the Initiative, that again I didn't make the time for her pain. Thank god for Tara. Thank god she was there for Willow.

Everyone thinks I'm the strong one, but that just isn't so. It's my friends, my 'scoobies' that make me strong. Xander, who's always ready to fight for me, who can see things others don't. Who tells me when I'm right, and when I'm outta line. Even when it hurts. Giles, dear Giles. We've had our ups and downs over the years. But the fact remains, he supported me when I needed it most, stopped me from doing foolish things, and gave me something I was desperately missing, and didn't even know it.. . a father. My own dad has been M.I.A. for I don't know how long now. But Giles has always been there, giving me the things only a dad can give. I love him dearly. I hope he knows that. When I see him at the service, I gotta remember to tell him. 

And then there's Will. My rock. I could always count on Will… even when it hurt her, or made her get the wiggins. We could talk about anything… though, I still kept some secrets(mostly out of shame).There are so many times when I couldn't go on, that she helped me. Got me over it. Got me through it. It's been hard with this between us. I miss her so much. I never realized how much I needed her, 'til I lost her over a stupid argument.

I've gotta fix this somehow. I don't know how, but I have to try. Before it's too late, and I lose her forever. I can't see life, my life, without Will in it.  I want my friend back. I want my Will back. And Dammit, I'm gonna do it!

Count on it!"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow sat staring out the window.

She was still trying to come to terms with everything that happened. Trying to work through what she was going to do. What she was going to say. How she was going to do whatever it took to get back in some good graces with Buffy.

She was filled with remorse, shame and guilt.

How could I've been so stupid? How could I've been so blind? Why didn't I see what Buffy obviously saw…that Kennedy never loved me, never felt what I felt for her. Goddess, I was a fool! She used me, and I didn't even see it coming. I wanted so much to be loved, to feel love again, I told myself that you loved me. And you didn't . I should've let it go after we defeated the First, after we left the place Sunnydale used to be. I should've been stronger, smarter. But I wasn't. I believed you loved me, and that's my own stupid fault. I can't even blame you, because I wanted you to be Tara. And you're not, you can't be. You're you… and that's not who I love. So, I guess, in my way, I'm sorry, too.

The worst thing out of this, though, is that I blew off my best friend over you. That I can't forgive myself for. For you. Damn. Because I was too stubborn, too blind, too needy to see what was right in front of me. The truth. My friend, my Buffy, told me the truth…and I …attacked her for it. The truth hurt, I didn't want to hear it. I hurt back. I said things that were unforgivable… but the worst was saying I wish she were still dead. Goddess, I never meant that. Not for a second. But, she had made me so mad, made me so angry, that I wanted to hurt her in the worst way possible. And I did. Oh, Goddess, I succeeded so well…

And there I go, shifting blame. She wasn't responsible for my anger. I'm responsible for it. I knew what she was saying was true…somewhere, deep, I knew it. But I didn't want to accept it. I thought she was jealous, jealous of what I had. Oh yeah, what I had. What a joke. And I was tired to death of " Poor Buffy all alone again!" So I lashed out, I said everything I could to hurt her. Hurt her bad. And I did so well…I drove her away. And now, I'm paying for it. I so deserve what I got. I so deserve this. Who's alone now, Willow? YOU, stupid!!! You're suffering , but not nearly as much as you should. How could you say that? How could you take the one person who's been with you all these years, and toss them aside? Make them feel so bad, so unwanted. Especially, when it was so untrue?

When you died, Buffy, when you died fighting Glory… I think I died that night, too. Something in me died…that girl who believed in happy endings, who believed that good always won. When I saw your lifeless body on that pile of rubble, I felt a big part of my heart die. When we buried you, I buried my hope with you, my faith in the goodness of the world was in that hole with you. I think that night is the night the evil began to grow in my heart.

I can say all the noble stuff about how I wanted to rescue you from a hell dimension, how we needed you, etc. But it's not the real reason I brought you back, Buffy. My reasons were totally selfish. I needed you Buffy. I needed you so badly. You were my light Buffy. You made this world seem…special. Seem…right. And with you gone, it was gray, drab, hopeless. I brought you back, because I couldn't deal. Couldn't live with the world as it was. I needed you, Buffy. So I pulled you from where you were, brought you back here. And when you came back, and your light was dimmed, I didn't understand. I didn't want to understand. I wanted you to get over it, stop doing this. BE Buffy AGAIN!!! Not until Sweet forced the truth out of you, did I realize what I had done. How I had pulled you from a place of peace, of perfect happiness… to live here … in the pain, the harshness of this world. The guilt consumed me. I had to fix it, I had to fix it. So, I did the Tabula Rasa spell…to make you forget paradise, and Tara to forget all the bad between us. 

When that failed, when Tara left me , and lost you…I started my slide into hell. I started using magic to escape. I hung with Amy, then with Rack…getting the high from the magic. I became addicted. So addicted. It had already been there, but I gave into it. 

Even after almost killing Dawnie, after I realized I had to stop, you reached out to me. I didn't deserve it, but you did it. You could've turned away from me, but you didn't. I…started coming back. Back to being me again. When Tara came back, when we got back together…I …I almost made it. I was almost back. Then Warren shot that down, when he shot Tara. I went to hell.

I blamed you, Buffy. I blamed you, and I was so wrong. Because it wasn't you. I see now I was so out of control, I couldn't have stopped what happened to me, even if Tara had lived. Had never been shot. And I might have killed her myself when I lost control. I…can't even think how I could have lived with that.

Dammit, Will, stop rambling. The point! I need you, Buffy. I need you. And I threw you away. And I gotta fix this. Somehow. And I don't even know how. And I can't talk to my best friend about it, because…Goddess, I screwed this up so badly. I need your forgiveness, Buffy. How do I do that?

How do I get that?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Los Angeles, California. The next evening. 

The memorial was held in a small chapel in the cemetery where Cordelia Chase had been buried. This wasn't the first memorial, the public memorial had already been held. This was for Cordy's family and friends. It was more personal, and more intimate.

Buffy quietly entered the chapel. She saw Angel speaking with Cordy's parents, doing his best to comfort them. She walked over, and stood off a bit, not wanting to interrupt. She could see where Cordy had gotten her beauty. Her parents were a very attractive couple, still young looking, though in their early late 40's. But the grief was telling on them. They looked tired, and a bit worn at the edges. Their eyes were still red from crying. She felt for them. She remembered how hard it had been to bury her mom. How much worse it must be for them, to bury their only child?

When Angel finally turned away from them, she went to him. She looked into his face, and saw the pain etched there. His eyes were heartbreakingly sad. She quietly embraced him, giving what comfort she could. She felt his arms go around her, and she remembered how many times she had been here. In his arms, giving or seeking solace. She looked up at his face, and gently touched his cheek. A sad, nostalgic smile came to both of them. She lay her head on his chest, and received what comfort he could give.

She hadn't realized how much this would affect her, until she actually entered the chapel. While it was true she and Cordy had never been close, she was a fellow warrior. A warrior in the battle against those forces that eventually took her life. She felt the grief one always feels when a comrade in arms falls. It brought home that all to likely, someone she loved could be next. Or herself.

After awhile, she gently disengaged herself. She knew he had others to greet, so she found a place in the back to sit down. She still didn't feel comfortable being here. She sat quietly, waiting for the memorial service to begin.

Just before it began, she heard someone slip into the seat across the aisle from her. She turned to look, and it was Willow. Willow looked at her briefly, then looked down at her hands. Finally, she looked up again, but away from Buffy, towards the front. Buffy felt her heart sink. They were only three feet away from each other, but it might as well have been 1000 miles. She wanted so much to get up, and just walk over and sit next to Willow. But she couldn't make herself stand. She cursed herself, she cursed her pride, and she cursed her weakness. But she stayed where she was.

Willow, for her part, on entering, saw Buffy seated in the back. Her first impulse was to sit next to her, but her fear prevented her. She wanted nothing more than to sit next to Buffy, hold her hand, like she would have in the old days. But, she feared Buffy would reject her. And that would break her heart. So, she sat as close as she dared, across the aisle. But it killed her to be here, so close to Buffy, and so damned far.

The service began. It started with a brief prayer, and an invocation by the minister. Then, her family and friends got up to speak about her. What she meant to them, how she had touched their lives. For Willow and Buffy, it was a new portrait of Cordelia. One they had never known.  Both women were deeply affected. Both found tears welling, and quietly began to cry. For a brief moment, their eyes met, but then both turned away.

Something in Angel's speech struck home with both of them "…often times, we lose someone we love before we can tell them what they mean to us. We get caught up in our daily lives, and never seem to make time to express what we feel. I was fortunate. I had the chance, before Cordy passed away, to tell her how I felt. I know my heart is easier because of it…"

Buffy looked up, and over at Willow, only to see her looking at her. They held eye contact briefly, then both looked away. It was too painful… both wanted so much to reach out to each other, but neither could make the first move. Instead, both looked down at their laps, ashamed.

When the service was over, Buffy knew she had to get out of there. Her feelings were overwhelming, and she needed to get some air…do something to relieve this pain in her heart. Quietly as possible, she slipped out the front door. She went over to the side of the building, and stood, looking at the night sky. She was trying to quell the pain in her heart, and biting her lip to keep from crying. She so wanted to cry right now.

A small noise made her turn, and she saw Willow standing there. Her heart almost broke at that second. Willow looked so sad and forlorn. She stood, her shoulders slumped, gripping her hands. Her eyes were bright with tears, and her mouth was turned down in a small frown. 

"Hey, Will" Buffy said. 

"Hey Buffy" Willow replied, her voice thick with emotion.

There is a small pause, as each woman tries to think of something to say.

" It's been a long time" Buffy finally says, stating the obvious, and wanting to kick herself for doing so.

" Yes, it has" Willow replies quietly. God, this is harder than I thought it would be. 

"How have you been, Will?" Buffy asks, cursing herself for not saying what is in her heart.

"Fine, just fine" Willow lies. " How about you, Buffy?"

"Fine" Buffy replies, lying also.

Again a pause descends between them. They both are struggling, trying desperately to find an opening. Finally, Buffy can no longer take it. She begins.

"Will?" Buffy says, trying to find the words she wants to say.

"Yeah, Buffy?" Willow replies. She is on tenterhooks. She is afraid of what Buffy is going to say, but knows she has to hear it, no matter what.

"Will, I said some terrible things to you" Buffy begins." And you said some terrible things to me."

"Yes, that's true" Willow says, her voice almost a whisper.

" I don't know what to do, Will. I don't know what to feel. See, thing is, I would ask my best friend. But she can't help me. Not with this. I'm stuck , Will." 

Willow can't speak. She feels like she is choking. She can only look down, her shame reflected in her eyes.

" I miss my best friend, Will. Terribly. It's been hard, trying to get along without her. I have no one to talk to about this. It's hard not having her to talk to" Buffy's voice is thickening.  She feels the tears threatening.

Willow feels the tears rolling down her cheeks. Her body begins to shake.

" Will? Can we stop being mad at each other now? I need my best friend back. I can't go on without my best friend anymore". Buffy's eyes are burning with tears

" Oh, god, Buffy" Willow cries. She rushes over, and is in Buffy's arms. Her head is on Buffy's shoulder, and the tears are flowing free. "I've missed you so much. I've been so terribly bad to you. God, can you forgive me? Please, Buffy, I need you to forgive me" Willow is shaking in Buffy's arms.

"Of course, Will" Buffy chokes out." If you can forgive me back"

" I never meant those things I said. God, Buffy. I never would want you dead" Willow is sobbing, trying to get control but losing the battle." I…I… was so stupid. And you were right, oh god , Buffy you were right. She …didn't love me…I was so wrong… and I nearly lost you …and …and….oh God, Buffy, if I lost you ….I don't know what I'd do" Willow loses it, her body shaking in grief and pain.

"Shhh….shhh" Buffy comforts her." It's ok, Will. It's ok. I'm here. You're not going to lose me. You're stuck with me, Will"

The two friends stay like that for awhile, just holding onto each other. Their emotions gently subside, but somehow they just can't let each other go. They never want to let each other go again.

A tall, dark man watches from the doorway of the chapel. He is joined by another man, older looking, with glasses. Both watch the women for awhile, and small smiles come on their faces. They turn, and go back inside.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

After All, Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Owner of Characters: Joss Whedon. Borrower of Characters: Me

Author's Note: Why is it just when things seem to be going smoothly, we come across the broken machines with wrenches lying around?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

After All

Chapter 4

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy was out enjoying the night air, with a song in her heart, and a stake in her hand

Ok, forget the song in the heart bit.

She was patrolling, looking for the vamps that seem to so enjoy the San Francisco night life. Seems the undead creatures had to go somewhere after Sunnydale bit it, so the Bay Area had shown a marked increase in unexplained killings…with puncture wounds to the neck. And severe blood loss. So, the slayer was back in business. Patrolling the local cemeteries, dusting vamps where she found them.

Tonight was a quiet night, however, and it was a good time to think about her life. Again. Seems that is happening a lot these days. Or nights. As It were.

Since she was no longer 'officially' working for the council, her stipend had ceased. She had been thinking of going back to college…but right now, that wasn't practical for her. The insurance settlement on the house hadn't come through, so essentially she was like the rest of us without a substantial financial reserve… she had to work for a living.

Fortunately, she had found a position as a martial arts instructor at one of the local dojos. Finally all that training as a slayer was paying off. Though, mostly, she was teaching street fighting…more self defense than pure form. But it was something, and kept the rent paid, and food on the table. That, and the fact that Will was picking up half the rent(sometimes more) and being all smart by being a computer genius and having a consulting business.

She had been surprised when she found out that Will also was planning on locating in San Francisco. Pleasantly surprised, actually. She was glad to have her friend and confidant back close at hand… next bedroom, matter of fact. They lived in one of the less tony parts of the Bay Area…certainly not in S.F proper…you gotta be wealthy for that. But they got along pretty well, and managed to keep roof overhead, and the fridge stocked. Compared to what Will brought in, what she was making was a joke…but it certainly beat working at some place like the Doublemeat Palace. Anything had to be better than the Doublemeat Palace. Ack.

She felt a little funny about some things. I know Will is making good money, but she seems to be picking up more than her share of things…a little pride thing going here, I guess. Just feel like I'm sponging a bit. But  Will says I'm crazy, and I keep the neighborhood clear of vampires…and such, so I'm doing my bit, I guess. But still, I feel a little funny about it. Sigh, what am I gonna do though? Short of robbing a bank. Slaying doesn't have that many marketable skills involved in it. I'm gonna have to find some way to go back to school, I guess.

She hears a twig snap behind her, and her slayer sense goes off. She twirls around to see a rather large vampire behind her, looking ready to take a sample, from her.

" Gee, don't you know it's not nice to sneak up on someone? What if I had a bad heart, huh? What'd you do then?" Buffy mocks the vampire.

The vampire charges her, trying to grab hold of her. She sidesteps him, and uses his momentum to throw him on his face. He springs up, and faces her. She does a flip kick, and knocks him back and off balance. He twirls around, trying to grab her arm, but she gives him a combo punch, knocking him up against a tree. Taking out her stake, she dusts him quickly. 

She returns to her patrolling, and is soon lost in her thoughts again. As good as things are going, still she is having a feeling of  vague dissatisfaction. As if something were missing…or she wasn't dealing with something. Something she should deal with.

And there were the dreams. Dreams which left her a little breathless, and a whole lot confused. Dreams that sensual and erotic in nature. Maybe dreams you would talk over with your best friend

If they weren't about your best friend, that is. Which these were.

And she was getting irritated over little things. And catching herself daydreaming… do you want to guess about who? When they are talking…finding herself watching Will's lips… and not hearing what she is saying…which has annoyed Will on more than one occasion. Whoa, back up Buffy, you're sound like you're in….nope…can't be. No, Buffy plays in boystown, don't ya know? Buffy isn't even a switch hitter. Sooo, something is way wrong here…isn't there?

But, if she wanted to be honest with herself… god, that's gonna happen, right? If she did, she would remember back to her first year in college. When Will was… between Oz, and Tara. Bad time for Will. But, Buffy …had these strange little habits she would do. Like, she would wake up regularly and watch Will sleep. Sometimes going as far as sitting next to Will's bed, on the floor,  and watching her… Will caught her once at that. She'd fallen asleep, and Will woke up, and woke her up…Buffy had made some excuse about Will having a bad dream or something…and Will had smiled, and ran her fingers through Buffy's hair, kinda like a thanks ruffle… ok,  I admit I got tingles. But I never like crawled into bed with her, or anything(though, there were a few times when I wanted to…damn, I wanted to…but I figured it would freak Will…little did I know, huh?).

When Will brought Tara by, and I got through my head they were a couple, I admit …maybe a little jealousy there? Even Will thought I was a little freaked by it…but not for the reason she thought. But, as I got to know Tara, and saw how happy Tara made her…well, of course it was cool. And I was with Riley at the time(we know how that worked out…yeah). And after that…it just got all…not possible. But there was a moment there, where something…might have happened. Might have been. Yeah, except don't think I was …there there. 

I don't think I'm there there right now, matter of fact . I mean, I know … about it, and all. But I still got the image boy/girl in my head…no other combos. Ok, so what is happening then? Why are these things going on with me? Why is it when Will gets too close, I'm all so aware of how she smells…like spice and cinnamon and …maybe vanilla? And I'm oh so aware of how close her body is to mine? Why do I get little chills when she touches my hand… or arm…or if we're sitting on the sofa, watching a movie or something, and her leg touches mine? C'mon Buffy, this kinda stuff only happens in stupid romance novels. There is a logical reason. Probably cause you had a very emotional reunion getting back with Will…and are more attuned to her. Yeah. That's gotta be it. I know that's gotta be it. Maybe it's the same thing with her, too. Maybe we can talk about this. Yeah…of course. Sure we can.

Can't we?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Faith needed a change.

This thing with Robin just aint happening. I thought this was gonna be great. Really great. We seemed to get along great, everything was 5 by 5. So, what happened? We started living together…that's what happened. I mean, ok, I know I total slob girl. I can leave stuff laying around, without being all too concerned about it. Yeah…so, I'm not gonna get into Ms. Manners top ten neatness list, or nothin'. But Robin…whoa, boy, neatness freak deluxe. He gets all wigged when I don't like pick stuff up right away. I mean, I thought we would be more alike, seeing as we were both raised 'in the system' mostly. But whereas I'm kinda …so what? It's not gonna kill nobody, he is all order and discipline and stuff( hey, get that mind outta the gutter…not THAT kinda discipline…wouldn't mind that as much). And that's just the tip of the iceberg, right? He is like Mr. Education, and me? They never built a school I couldn't escape from. He's all  Mr. Three-piece-suit…and you know how I dress, don'tcha? And it's values. He's all conservative…and we know conservative is not Faith, right?

I like the guy. Don't get me wrong. He can be sweet, and he can…ummm…real nice, ya know? He's even known to make a joke once in awhile. But all in all, we're just too different. And we want different things. He wants the house and kids and stuff…and me? I'm too young for that yet. With him, anyway. Sigh. Guess it wasn't love after all, huh?

Maybe now is the time to do this. He's got this offer in New Jersey for a principal's position…he wants it. And me and New Jersey? No way. So, maybe now is the best time to part. Maybe we can do this like adults, and not like kids. Be friendly and all(if his ego doesn't go into overdrive. Guys are such babies at times). Let him have what he wants, let me have what I want. All is good. Right?

And, I'm kinda itchin' to be movin' on. So tired of the East coast, and freezing my ass off in winter. Guess living in California for so long kinda spoiled me. And anyway, now that a certain person is back from her out of the country stuff, maybe I can look her up, while I'm there. I understand she's living in San Fran, so maybe ole Faithy needs to do a golden gate tour. Whattya think? Yeah, sounds good.

I'm gonna love seeing her face when I show up at her door. Heh. She's gonna be like…Huh? Like, I'd be the last person she'd expect.

Yeah, this could be good. This'll be real good.

Faith smiles to herself, and  she starts making some travel plans

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow is confused, and maybe just a little frustrated.

She keeps getting all sorts of mixed signals from Buffy. Sometimes  it seems like its just buds. I mean, like it's always been. We hang out, and talk. And go shopping, and go out to a club, maybe, or for dinner. And rent movies, and laugh at the stupid dialogue. And just hang out, having a good time with each other.

Then, sometimes, she acts all weird. Like she's irritated with me. For no reason I can figure. And she kinda moves away, and maybe goes to her room, and listen to music, or something, or she'll go out patrolling, or take a walk, or something. And I try to figure well, what did I do? I rack my brain, but can't figure what I did wrong.

Then, sometimes, rare times, she gets…all close and…I don't know? Like she wants to do more than hang out. Be more than just friends…and I'm so for that!!!(of course, I say word one, and she'll get freaked, you know?). Cuddly Buffy. hmmm, that sounds nice. Kissy Buffy, even nicer…and of course, I can think of nicer yet. WILL…You bad. But only in the nicest way, of course. Dream on Willow, you know she… well…she never indicated any…I mean, sometimes I get this vibe…but she never really gets…beyond that. Maybe I'm just imagining it. Wishful Willow thinking, I guess. 

But why does she get so weird, then? I mean… what? Do I have cooties, or something. Gay cooties.  Watch OUT , Buffy…the Gay cooties might get you. Then you'll become a raging lesbo.(Willow giggles). I can see it… She cuts her hair reaaally short and goes around in flannel shirts and work boots. Yeah, that's so Buffy. Willow sighs. Man, she'd even make flannel look good.

I gots it bad. Damn you, Buffy Summers. Why do you have to be so damned cute, anyway???

Those eyes of hers. Wow. You could get lost for days in those eyes of hers. And her lips…myyy, oh myyy., I could kiss them forever. Sometimes when she's talking, I just watch her lips. Wonder if she notices? Hmmm.. and she smells so good. Like oranges and limes. Yummy. And her hair…Stop it Will. You know what'll happen you go down this road. Another little private session in the bedroom, with you biting your lip so Buffy won't hear you. God, that would be embarrassing. Especially if I (huge blush) called out her name…yikes! Can you say run faster than a rabbit? Cause that's what she'd do.

Man, this is so not good. When we held each other so tight that night we made up, I almost started kissing her right there. God, she woulda rabbited and I wouldn't have seen her for another 6 months. Even if by some remote chance she had some kinda feelings for me, like what I got for her…she couldn't ever deal. She'd be all freaked and …oh…distant? Scared? Oh…OH!!!. Like, Duh! Hmmm. Maybe this street isn't all one way after all. My, my. Maybe little Ms. Fiesta Queen Cheerleader Buffy Summers has a lil ole crush…hmmm. Maybe that arrow of hers isn't quite as straight as she thought( Willow giggles again).. Now, how we gonna get our Buffy to consider the possibilities? Hmmm…wonder if a truth spell would be useful here? Nawww…no fair, Willow. No magic. ( Alls fair in love and war). No, absolutely not. I want it to be real…and her to really realize it. Nope, gotta let her come to it on her own. At her own pace.

Of course, that doesn't mean I can't nudge things along a little, now does it?

Willow, you BAD!

You so bad!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"Ok, we can do this. We can do this. Ok" 

Buffy kept repeating that mantra to herself. Over, and over. And over.

Breathe, Buffy, breathe!

She'd been pacing her room for an hour, trying to work up her courage to go out and talk to Will. She knew she had to do this. It'd taken her nearly a week to work herself up to it, but she knew she had to do this. Otherwise, she was gonna go totally bizzaro. Those feelings she'd been having hadn't abated…they were getting stronger. And scarier. And Will was noticing something, Buffy knew. She saw the looks Will was giving her. She sighed.

This is not good, so not good. Grrr …look, we're adults here. We'll sit down. We'll talk about this. Will is gonna say I'm nuts, I'll go out, kill a couple of vamps, all will be good again(hmmm…make that a couple dozen). No big. We'll laugh about this someday…when I'm 95, and am in the Old Slayer's home, and have Alzheimer's. Yeah, then I'll just cackle at anything.

Breathe, Buffy, breathe! We can do this. We can do this. It'll be ok. No big.

What the hell is wrong with me? One little redhead that can't weigh more than 105 pounds soaking wet( whoa…Buffy, so not helping) is scaring me to death. Ok, she's a powerful Wicca. But she's not gonna like…turn me into a newt or nothin'. I don't think she will…stop it Buffy, now you're being stupid, too. Look, we're adults here. I'll .. go out there, and just get it over with. Then, she can laugh at me, and I'll be all embarrassed and crawl back into my room, and hide under the bed for 3 days. Hey, no big. Right?

Breathe, Buffy.  Take slow, deep breaths. Find your center. Ok…calmly, like an adult. Go for it

Buffy walks to the door, puts out her hand to open it…and stops. She hesitates…then growls at herself, and opens the door.

"Will…Hey, Will?" Buffy calls out. No Will. " WILL?!?!?!" 

Buffy sees the note on the table.

**_Dear Buffy,_**

**_Sorry, had to go out for awhile. Client called. An emergency. Be back as soon as possible, shouldn't be more than an hour…two tops. Know you wanted to talk about something. Wait for me, I won't be any longer than I have to be._**

****

**_See you soon,_**

****

**_Will._**

****

****

Buffy looks at the note, her face a mixture of relief and disappointment. She shrugs, not much she can do about it really. But it's not helping her nerves any. Maybe we can just put this off…again. She sighs. She's hopping they have nice music in that padded cell of hers.

Buffy walks over to the fridge, to get a juice or something to settle her stomach. Her nerves are all jangled. God, this sucks. I got myself all worked up to do this, and now she's gone. By the time she gets home, I'm gonna be a basket case!

She looks in the fridge, and notices the bottle of wine. Hmmm…naw, better not. She looks around, and doesn't see any juice. Damn… she looks at the wine. Well…ok, 1 glass. To settle my nerves. It'll help me relax a little. She pulls out the bottle, and uncorks it. She looks around, and finally finds a wineglass. She pours, and then corks the bottle and puts it back in the fridge. She walks over to the couch, turns on the TV, and does some channel surfing. She wants something with enough plot to hold her interest, but nothing too mind bending. She finally settles on an old movie…and drinks her wine.

She gets up, and gets herself another glass. The first one didn't really help, her nerves are still on edge. This outta do it, she says, settling down again to watch the idiot box.

An hour passes. Then another. And another.

Buffy is on her 7th glass of wine now. She's feeling pretty damned good. Yup. Damned good. Buffy buzzed. She giggles. Where's Will, anyway? Cute lil redhead. She sips at her wine. She thinks I don't see what's she doin' around here. I get it. Noted the skirts got a weeeee bit shorter this week…and a bit tighter on the bottom(giggles). And she seems to be leavin' an extra button unbuttoned on her blouse. She's got a honey stashed somewhere. I know it. She's actin' all silly and stuff. I mean, she's like …I dunno…but you know, you know.. hmmm… and when she leans in close, I can smell her perfume. Yeah. Got some girl. Got it. Hmmm…maybe I could go and bop her one? Nawww. If Will's happy, well I'm happy too, then ya. It's cool, it's all cool . Buffy looks at the note again. Client, my ass. She's probably out getting a lil slap and tickly stuff. HEY WILL. Ya didn't have to go that far for that. I'm right here. All slappy and ticklish. Buffy giggles. Then she frowns. Hey. How come ya gotta go out to some girl, huh? What? Do I got cooties? Gee. I'm pretty darn cute, Ms. Willow Rosenbergerer. Damned cute. You betcha. 'K, sometimes maybe I'm a bit of a tightass, but hey…you be a slayer for awhile. 'k? hmmm

About that moment, Willow is opening the door to the apartment. She notices it's dark, pretty much, except for the TV. She sees Buffy, sitting in front of the TV, a little slumped on the couch. She sighs. Probably fell asleep while waiting. Damn. Talk about lousy timing. Couldn't have had that little emergency tomorrow, huh? Willow was pretty sure Buffy was going to say something important…something she really wanted to hear. But now, she'll probably just put it off… again. Then Willow hears a snort, followed by Buffy giggling. Buffy is turned towards her now, and has a silly grin on her face.

"HEY…Will…there you are, you lil cutie" Buffy slurs a bit. She's feeling just a little fuzzy.

"Buffy?" Willow says…a bit worried. She goes over and turns on a light, and notices the wineglass on the table. She knits her brows together. She walks into the kitchen, and sees the wine bottle on the counter( Buffy didn't bother corking it after the third glass). She lifts it, and notes it's mostly gone. And it was full. Oh, boy.

"Will-ow Rosenbergerer…Wee gotta talk" Buffy calls from the other room. She is most definitely blotto.

Oh crap, she's totaled.

" Buffy honey? Maybe we should talk tomorrow? Bedtime for you, I think" Willow says, gently.

"No. Buffy wanna talk. NOW!" Buffy says… then giggles. " Weee… Buffy is buzzed!"

"No, Buffy is drunk" Willow smiles. She can't help it. Buffy is a cute drunk." Buffy should be in bed"

"WOW. Will…you're so …hot" Buffy says, weaving slightly as she approaches Willow.

Willow blushes. She had been wearing more…ummm…revealing? Clothing. Leaving a few buttons strategically undone. Hoping Buffy would get the hint. But, not a sloshed Buffy. Sigh.

Buffy is in front of Willow. She puts her arms on Willows shoulders, and leans in close…very close. Willow is a little…taken aback. We're talking about a woman with incredible strength here. 

"Ya know somethin', Ms. Rosenbergerer…you got pretty eyes!" Buffy grins at her, maybe inches from her face. Willow feels the flush creeping up her neck.

God, why can't she say that when she's sober? Crap.

" C'mon, Baby. I think you better go to bed…don't you?" Willow is doing her best to get her friend in bed, and safe.

"No, Buffy no wanna go bed. Buffy wanna play" Buffy has a goofy grin." With Will" Buffy pulls will a little closer.

Oh, goddess, you so love to torture me. Willow tries to gently disengage Buffy, but Buffy holds her fast.

"Buffy wanna kiss Will" Buffy says. Willow's eyes go wide… then two very soft lips capture hers. For a brief second, she responds. I mean, she's wanted this like…forever. Then her mind reengages, and she pulls away.

"No…Buffy…NO" Willow says. She manages to pull herself from Buffy.

Buffy's face collapses into a frown. She says, a little slurred." No?"

"No. not tonight Buffy." Willow says.

" 'K, I got it. You don't like me" Buffy says, a little mournfully. " No big"

God, Buffy, you got it so wrong. But no way we're doing this with you like this.

"No, Buffy, that's not it at all" Willow says, feeling very tired.

"S' ok, Will. I'm not dumb. You gotta girlfriend, somewhere. You been dressin' all sexy all week. I got it. No big" Buffy says, turning away. "I'm goin' t' bed now"

Yeah, been dressing sexy for YOU, silly. God, this is hard.

" No, Buffy…wait…" Willow says, but is waved off by Buffy.

"'S' ok, Will." Buffy says, a bit resigned. She starts towards her bedroom

At that moment, there's a knock at the door.

"Buffy, wait here. We gotta talk about this" Willow says. Buffy stops. Willow walks to the door, and answers it.

Standing there is Faith. She is carrying a shoulder bag, and is grinning her most flirty grin.

"Heya, Red. How are ya?" Faith asks…and gives her the once over. " Looking cute as always. Hey, can you help out a homeless girl here and give me a place to bunk for a few days?" 

Willow is speechless. What is she doing here? Unbeknownst to Willow, Buffy has come up behind her.

"Faith?" Buffy asks, suddenly feeling the wine shrug off her

"B?" Faith replies, a bit startled

Both think the same thing, at the same time

"What the hell is SHE doing here? Crap!!!"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

TBC.

Heh. Heh. Heh.  Curveball, anyone?


	5. Chapter 5

After All, Chapter 5

Disclaimer: In the beginning there was Chaos. Then Joss Whedon said " Let there be a Vampire Slayer" and it was so. And he saw it was good. But she needed friends, and family, and enemies, and malls, and espressos, so he created them. And So it was that " Buffy, the Vampire Slayer " Buffyverse was born. And he owns it all… 

Author's  Note: So, Faith has made an appearance, and The S.S  Billow seems to be floundering. I guess it doesn't help when one of the Captains is in her cups. What mischief…ah, what mischief can we get up to? 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

After All

Chapter 5

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Willow stood at the doorway, looking at Faith. She had lost her power of speech, temporarily.

Oh, my goddess, what is SHE doing here…now? I haven't seen her since… Well, since L.A. and the night Buffy and I had our big fight…and she saw the whole thing. She was there, even though Kenny was no where to be found. And she started out trying to comfort me, settle me down...and…

"Heya, Red. Think I can come in? I mean, I can come in…not a vampire, don't NEED an invitation to enter…but thought maybe I should ask before I just barged in?" Faith asks. She is looking at Willow, seeing her confusion. Ah, still got it, Faithy dear. She grins.

" Huh? Oh…yeah…sure, Faith. Come on in" Willow waves her in, putting on a polite smile. She's not sure what to do, so falls back on the Miss Manners approach. Don't leave guests standing on the porch. Or in the hallway…whatever.

"Thanks, Red. Appreciate it. " Faith walks in the doorway, carrying her usual traveling gear. A duffle bag slung over one shoulder, and a smaller grip carrying the 'tools' of her trade. Hey, a girl needs her weapons, ya know? She drops the bags by the front door, and turns to Willow and Buffy.

" So…how you kids doin'?" She asks. She is still surprised to see Buffy here. Frankly, she never expected to see Buffy and Willow in the same state again, much less the same room. That was on helluva fight they had in L.A. Bad feelings on both sides. Surprised it even happened. Those two had always seemed close as butter on toast. Hell, after what Red said, didn't think B would ever want to see her again. Well…made it up, I guess.  Faith takes a closer look at Buffy, and notices she looks a wee bit unsteady on her feet. Has B been drinking? Ms. Perfect…plastered. She chuckles to herself. That's a good one. Who woulda thought Ms. Cheerleader knew the open end of a bottle, huh?  What next? Red comin out in a Dominatrix costume…hmmm..not a bad image, I gotta admit.

"So, Faith. Homeless? What? I thought you and Robin were living in New York together" Buffy pipes up. The effects of the alcohol she consumed seems to have mostly passed off…shock of seeing Faith at the front door. Not something she was expecting…nor necessarily wanting. She saw the looks that passed between Faith and Willow in those seconds. Not always blind, our little blonde slayer…even when she's drunk. So, what's that about, anyway? Oh, man. I can already feel the hangover comin'. This is so not gonna be fun. Whew.

"Well, Robin and me… we kinda split up. No, we definitely split up. We didn't see eye to eye on…lots of things. Most things, I guess. So, we kinda agreed maybe time we found our own way. So, I kinda was cast adrift…and here I  am, at loose ends." Faith says. She's still kinda feeling her way around here, trying to figure out what's going on between B and Red. IF anything is going on between B and Red, that is. I mean… drinking is one thing…but Ms. Girl Scout doesn't exactly impress me as being a switch hitter. So, probably none of that stuff… but I know B. She's real protective of her friends. And … she may not like why I'm here.

" I'm sorry to hear that, Faith" Willow says, her concern obvious." It must've been hard" She puts a sympathetic hand on Faith's shoulder.

"Yeah, kinda" Faith says. Actually, it went harder than she thought it would. Robin had not taken it well. I guess he thought there was still somethin' there. But we just …didn't click. We weren't right together. But he didn't see that. Some yelling, some hurt feelings, some blame to be had on each side. Sigh. I wish it hadn't been so… hostile. But, I guess that's what happens. I thought he felt the same way I had…so wrong, there, Faith! He still wanted to make a go of it, but I knew it just woulda gotten worse and worse. Then we woulda ended up hating each other, rather than just being all sad and stuff. Better to make a clean break now and heal. Ya know Faith, sometimes you can be such a heartless…biotch. Faith stands there, feeling stupid, and small… and alone.

Buffy is still suspicious of Faith being there, but even she can see Faith is hurting. Her heart, always for the underdog, goes out to her. She walks over, and puts an arm around Faith's shoulder. She smiles at Faith, and gives her a small hug.

"Hey, it's gonna be ok, Faith. Honest. I know. Take it from the queen of screwed up relationships" That brings a chuckle to all of them. Buffy's track record is…deplorable, to say the least.

"Hey, look guys. I really don't mean to horn in here or nothin'. Just right now, I'm kinda …well… don't have lots of money. I mean I can get a place for awhile, but don't think long enough for me to get a job. If I can just hang her for awhile, 'til I find something… then I'll get outta your hair…" Faith says.

" Don't be silly, Faith. Of course you're welcome. Right Buffy?" Willow says

"Yeah" Buffy replies. She feels for Faith, but her radar is still running high. She likes Faith and all, but trust is not exactly at 100% yet.

Faith looks at the two, and senses something's going on here. Something no one's talking about. She thinks to herself that maybe B is thinkin' of ditching the Girl Scout uniform. Hmmmm. Probably still having some problem with the buttons. Things just got a whole lotta more complicated.

"Thanks guys. I can bunk on the couch … or on the floor is good, too" Faith says.

Willow hesitates. She would offer to share with Faith. But …things could happen. Things that would screw up other things she reaally wants. And there is still L.A. Oh, goddess… but Buffy pipes up before she has to say anything.

"Don't be stupid, Faith. You can bunk with me tonight. We'll figure something more permanent tomorrow" Buffy says. She is playing the old axiom. Keep your friends close, and your competition … closer. Competition? Is that what's goin' on? She still knows something's up between Faith and Will. She just hasn't put her finger on it yet. Not as if Willow even knows what I'm feelin'…never got to that little talk...cripes…this just gets better, and better. Sigh.

Willow feels a whole lotta relief…and maybe a little…jealousy? Oh, Puhlease!

" Thanks, B. That'd be cool" Faith says. Not exactly the bunk I was looking to share…but…I guess it's better than the floor.

Buffy walks over to where Faith dropped her stuff. She bends over to pick up duffle bag, and kinda loses her balance. The Adrenaline running through her body has worn off, and the alcohol is still hitting her.  She falls down on her butt…hard.

"Damn" Buffy mutters.

"Buffy? Are you ok?" Willow is really concerned. She knows Buffy was pretty drunk earlier.

"B? Need some help?" Faith offers. She is laughing a little inside… but in sympathy. She knows how it  is to get falling down drunk….oh, oh.

"Ummm…guys? The rooms not supposed to be spinning, is it?" Buffy asks. She is looking a little green.

" Oh, crap!" Faith says. Without waiting, she slings the other slayer over her shoulder, and says" Where the toilet? Quick Red" Willow points, and Faith runs Buffy into the bathroom. Just in time, by the sounds of it. Willow follows behind, and sees Faith holding Buffy's head over the toilet. She doesn't look at all well.

Willow goes back out into the living room, and decides to move Faith's stuff into Buffy's room. She tries to pick up the duffle, but it's really heavy. 'Damned slayer strength' she grunts, as she starts to drag it through the living room. 'what's she carrying in here? Bricks?' She finally manages to get it in the room, and out of the way. She goes back for the other bag. This one she can lift, though it's still heavy. ' Goddess, how do they do it, anyway?' Willow thinks. She dumps the other bag with the first.

She walks back in the living room, and can still hear Buffy being sick. She looks in, but there is really nothing she can do. She goes back and sits in the kitchen, thinking.

Well…this is going well. Buffy gets drunk, Faith shows up at the door, and I'm sitting her like a lump while Buffy pukes. Yup, as nights go, this is gotta be right up there…

Thinking of bad nights brought back L.A. again, and she also started remembering what happened after. Of course, Kenny was nowhere to be found(Damn, couldn't I get a clue then?). But Faith was there. And Faith was sympathetic. She held me while she cried, and soothed me. And said it would be ok, that Buffy and I'd make it up. And then, I just needed some comfort… or something…cause I found myself kissing her. And after a bit, she was kissing back. And it just went…from there.

We wound up in Faith's room, and god, that girl is ….hot. I mean, she was knows her stuff. She knew when to be gentle, when to be rough. Her hands, her fingers…oh, goddess… and her lips…so soft. And she has this intensity about her… like Buffy. she feels like she runs a little hotter than normal. She definitely made me hotter than normal. Goddess, that was sweet…but also, that is so over. It was a one night thing. NO REPEATS!!!! We both knew that…didn't we? So, why is she here now? Why now? When things might finally start happening for me and Buffy? Goddess. Buffy can never EVER learn about this!! No way. Damn. Damn. Damn!

At that moment, Faith brings a very ill looking Buffy through. Willow looks at her, and her heart breaks. Poor baby!! Willow gets up and goes over to the slayers.

"Will, I'm…so sorry" Buffy croaks out, her throat sore from vomiting." So sorry" her face is all frowny and miserable looking.

"It's ok, Buffy" Willow says, stroking her cheek. She kisses her on the forehead, and feels how feverish she feels" You get some rest, baby"

" I think I better get B into bed. She's pretty wiped out, Red. I'll be back in a few" She leads the wobbly slayer away towards her room. Buffy mutters as they go out " Buffy + Wine= bad, bad" " Buffy feels bad, so bad" and other less coherent things.

Faith leads Buffy into her room, and guides her around where Willow put her bags. She gets the slayer into the bed, and tucks her in. She touches Buffy's cheek, and smiles at her " You better get some sleep. You're gonna be sooo sore in the morning"

Buffy looks up at Faith from out of the bed. Her eyes are a bit unfocused. She reaches out, and grabs Faith's wrist. 'damn, even drunk this girl's grip is strong!' Faith thinks. She smiles at Faith, the smile a bit lopsided." Thanks, Faith. Thanks" She says…then quick as that she passes out, her hand dropping to the bed. Faith looks at her, and shakes her head.

Poor idiot. I know this one. She's got it bad, and can't deal. Wonder if Will has a clue? Somehow, knowing this group, I would think so. Just, they don't know the other one knows. Oh, crap, what have I stepped into now? Maybe I should just go?

Hell, no! That red headed witch did somethin to me. I don't know what, but I can't get that night in L.A. outta my head. I wish I could. She made me feel stuff I hadn't felt …for a long time…ever? I'm just gonna walk away from that? Don't think so! Maybe she thought it was a one- nighter…but I know I want more. Sigh. But I suspect someone's gonna get a broken heart here…and why do I think that person's name is Faith? Ya know, sometimes, god, I think you got a wicked mean sense of humor. And I don't always like it.

So, B. you better be careful girl. Someone else has just joined the race, and if you stumble…well, I aint lookin' back.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Faith finds Willow in the kitchen, looking pensive. She sits down next to her.

"She ok?" Willow asks. She is clearly upset.

" Yeah. She's gonna feel like an elephant crawled up into her head and died in the morning, but she'll be ok. No permanent damage." Faith replies. She pauses, then asks " You ok?" 

Willow looks at the table, but doesn't reply. Faith sits there, watching Willow. Finally, Willow says, very quietly "Yeah"

Faith thinks a little while, then decides. This is going nowhere, fast. So, time to throw everyone out of the frying pan.

"Ok, Red, we gotta talk." Faith says, clearly tired of the silence.

"About what?" Willow asks, but she's sure she knows.

"That night in L.A. Red" Faith says. She's not one to beat around the bush, not this girl.

" There's nothing to talk about Faith. That was one night" Willow says, but she won't look Faith right in the eyes.

"Really? How come then, Red, I can't get you outta my head? Why IS that? That night was more than a 'one nighter' no matter what you say" Faith says, clearly annoyed. " And, if you want to be honest, Red, I think YOU know it was more than a one nighter" Faith looks at Willow, who looks down at her hands. Faith takes Willow's hands in hers, and says, gently" Look at me, Red."

It takes awhile, but Willow finally looks up at Faith. Her eyes are clearly teary, and she is upset. No question about that.

" You felt it too, didn't you Red?" Faith asks. Willow nods

" It wasn't just me then?" Faith asks. Willow shakes her head. She felt it. Hard. And she knows, in her heart, that it was part of the reason she left Kenny. But it never is as easy as that, is it?

"Of course, it's not all that easy, is it Red?" Faith says, mirroring her thoughts. "There's more, isn't there?"  Willow looks down at the table. She doesn't want to speak about it. She doesn't want to, but has to.

" B-B-Buffy" She manages to get out.

Faith sighs. Man, she stepped in it. " I knew B was in this, somehow. Damn." She sits quietly for awhile, then asks:

" How long, Red?" 

"How long what?" Willow asks, not sure what Faith's getting at.

" How long've you had feelings like this for B?" Faith spells it out. Want a diagram too, Red?

" S-s-seven " Willow says.

" Days? Weeks? Months?" Faith asks. God, clarity isn't your thing huh Red?

"Years" Willow says. Faith almost loses it.

"Years? Seven YEARS? And you've…never said anything about this?" Faith is floored.

"No…ummm…didn't think it was returned." Willow says. Faith looks at her. God, these people are hopeless!

" Ummm… Ok Red. I'll make it clear for ya. If you don't already see it. Buffy is nuts about you. Totally. She's got it bad. Why do you think she got so blotto? Hell, I shouldn't even be saying this. I probably cutting my own throat here. But if nothin' else, I don't want anyone thinkin' I cheated. She loves you, even if SHE can't deal with it." 

Willow is looking at her with a " Huh?" look.

Faith sighs. Boy, I gotta do all the heavy lifting here.

"Look, Red. Here it  is, plain and simple. You got two women who really got it bad for you. You seem to have feelings for both of us. Deal is… it's one on one only. I don't share well, I suspect B doesn't either. So, you gotta do some really deep thinking here, Red. Figure out what you want, and WHO you want. And, don't take forever, ok? I'd like you to choose me before I get my social security checks. Got it? I'm going to bed. I'm tired, and getting more so by the second. Make a choice, Red."

Faith gets up, and starts towards Buffy's room. She stops, and turns. 

" One more thing, Red, to keep in mind. I already know what I want. I told ya. On the other hand, Buffy is still in the air"

With that, she goes through the door leading to Buffy's room, and closes it behind her.

Willow sits with her head in her hands. She is totally wiped out. This is just too much, too damned much

"This totally bites" she mutters.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

After  All, Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns them. Not me. 

Author's Note: Just as the Buffy/Willow ship seems to be reaching some safe harbor, another storm turns up to throw it off course. Nothing in life is free. Happiness has costs. Sometimes, they are painful. 

Let's continue.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

After All

Chapter 6

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Early morning, before sunrise.

Faith lies awake in the bed. She is staring at the ceiling. She has had another one of her dreams. the dreams that never seem to go away. She's had these dreams, on and off, since she was in a Coma.

In this dream, she is pursuing Buffy. Her intention is to kill her. She has the knife the Mayor gave her. She wants revenge. Revenge for Buffy killing the Mayor. Revenge for Buffy putting her in a coma.. It's night, they are close to the edge of a gully. They are fighting, each punching and kicking, the other blocking. But some kicks get through, some punches find their mark. It's never a sure bet who will win the fight, both are well matched. But Faith gets in a lucky blow, knocking Buffy back and over the edge of the gully. Just as she is about to lose balance and fall, she grabs at Faith, and catches her arm. She falls, taking Faith with her. They both disappear from view. Both seemingly have been lost.when a hand appears at the edge of the gully. Then another. slowly, someone pulls themselves up. It's Faith. She's covered in dirt, her face and arms scratched. She finally is over the edge, and staggers away from it. She stands up.looking up at the night sky, she lets out a primal scream.

Faith awakens in a sweat. As usual. And now she lies there, staring at the ceiling. Her face is grim. She turns, and looks at the Buffy. Her face softens. It has an air of longing and regret.

Well, B, looks like we're gonna be on opposite sides again. That's the last thing I wanted, honest. I know we didn't start out well, and it only went bad from there. But after we switched bodies, after I saw your life through your eyes, I knew I didn't want to hate you no more. That I really didn't hate you at all. I was jealous , B. I thought it was all handed to you. I didn't understand how hard you worked for it, to be who you were. What you had to give up. I couldn't deal. When I ran away, realizing what I did, I couldn't deal with being who I was. Angel saved me, and you saved me, B. After prison, B, after our battle with the First, I was hoping we could start over. Be friends this time. Stand together, and not apart. 

But, that doesn't seem to be our destiny, does it? Cause here we are again, on opposite sides. We both want the same thing.Red. And it's probably gonna get bitter between us. No matter how this goes, B, I hope someday we can end this constant back and forth between us, and really be friends. I really do.

Faith watches over Buffy for a little longer, and reaches out, and gently touches her cheek. A small, sad smile plays over her lips. She turns over, and squeezes her eyes shut, trying to shut out the small ache in her heart. Slowly, she falls back asleep.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Later.

The sun strikes Buffy in the eyes, and she opens them.and immediately jams them shut again, but too late. The knives of the hangover attack her eyes and head. She feels like poop. She tries to go back to sleep, but the throbbing won't let her. She sits up.and realizes someone is in bed with her..FAITH!  Her mind is fuzzy, so she can't remember right away why Faith is in bed with her. Then it slowly comes back to her. Faith showed up last night, needing a place to bunk. Why was she here again? Oh, yeah. she and Robin split up. Right. But, why here? She shakes her head, trying to remember. and then it hits home. Something was going on. Between Faith and Willow. She remembered now that Faith had been as surprised to see her, as she was to see Faith. Faith had been looking for Willow. And Buffy remembered Willow's reaction to seeing Faith, and the looks that passed between them. Something was there.something Buffy didn't know about. But something she had a feeling she wasn't going to like.

Then the embarrassment set in. God, I got so drunk last night. That musta won points with Will. Oh, crap.I think I got a little.playful, too. Damn. Buffy groans softly. When, Buffy, are you gonna learn you can't drink? You get stupid. .. And oh, crap I got sick too. That musta been a real crowd pleaser. Yup, I bet they had a good ol' laugh over this one. I know they sat up talking about something. I heard them.

Buffy looks at the sleeping Faith with a bemused expression on her face. Why is it, girlfriend, whenever you show up in my life, it gets complicated? First with the mayor, then with the body switch, finally with the First? Is this how it's supposed to be with us? 

Buffy's expression changes to one of .compunction. She is remembering how it was to be Faith for that time she had her body. It wasn't at all pleasant. And she had learned more about Faith, how bad her life had been. Why did it have to be this way, Faith? We're a lot different, but we have one big thing in common: being slayers. We coulda, we shoulda worked together. Stood together. We could be an awesome team, you and I. if we could ever get past making life difficult for each other. Buffy sighs. But that doesn't seem to be the way it's fated, does it? I wish it were different, I really do. I think we coulda been good friends, you and me.

Buffy slips out of bed as quietly as possible, trying not to disturb Faith. She picks up her robe, and  starts to head for the bathroom. She looks back once more at the sleeping Faith, and notes she is shivering in the morning coolness. She goes over, and pulls the covers up over her. She grabs her stuff, and leaves the room.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy finds Willow sitting at the breakfast table.

She notes Willow's eyes are puffy and dark. never a good sign. That means she's been crying. Oh, boy. Also, Willow is fingering her mug, indicating nervousness. Things musta gotten really intense last night. Buffy wants nothing more than to ask Willow about it, but knows that it's better to let Will get to it in her own time. So, she starts on a different tack.

" Well, I got pretty stupid last night, didn't I?" Buffy says, a rueful grin on her face

Willow looks up, and smiles. " Oh, yeah, Buffy. I'd say you were well beyond buzzed".

Buffy blushes." Look, Will.I'm really sorry. I.I think I got a little.outta line last night. Sorry if I upset you in any way." Buffy apologizes.

" I see," Willow says, quietly. " So that was the alcohol talking, right? None of that was you, then?"

Buffy can't look at Willow. Her mouth is dry, and her cheeks are a bit pink.

"Buffy, we were supposed to have a talk last night. I'm sorry I got called away. When I got back, you were a bit too.happy.to have a discussion. So, maybe we should talk now?" Willow says. She can see Buffy is uncomfortable, but this needs to be aired out.

" Will. My head is throbbing. My hair is throbbing" Buffy whines a little. But then she sees Will has her resolve face on. She's learned over the years, don't mess with Will when her resolve face is set. She sighs." Ok, can I at least beg some coffee, first?" 

Will smiles. She knows Buffy is suffering. " Yes, Buffy, you can have coffee. I made you some already." Buffy looks at her gratefully. She stands up, and rummages for a mug. Then she pours a cup, and sits back down facing Willow. She sips the coffee, grimaces a little, and looks up. Her face is a mixture of anticipation and dread.

"Ok, talk. Talk is good" Buffy says. "What about?" she tries to evade.

" Was there something you wanted to tell me, Buffy?" Willow says. She reaches out, and gently covers Buffy's hand with hers. Her voice is quiet and patient. But there is an edge of firmness to it. She's not going to let Buffy wiggle out of this one.

"Ummm." Buffy begins. She so doesn't know how to do this. " Look, Will. I need you're advice as a friend, ok?" 

" A friend" Willow says. Right. Ok.  " Ok, Buffy.what can I help you with?"

" Well. ummm . I have this friend" Buffy says. "We've been friends for a long time."

" Ok. Friend. Long time." Willow says. She sits, looking serious, but is grinning inside.

" Right. We go way back. Anyway.lately, I've.well.ok, maybe not lately.maybe longer than that.I dunno.think it's been longer.maybe only lately.its confusing, you know? I mean.well.not confusing, I guess, but .puzzling?  I just don't know. I mean it .it could have been a long time.but I didn't realize it.you know what I mean?"

" Buffy?" Willow says.

"Yeah?" Buffy replies.

" You're babbling" Willow says. God, she's wanted to say that to Buffy for as long as she's known her. She almost wants to bust out laughing.. She bites her lip to keep from giggling.

" Oh." Buffy says. Embarrassed. " I guess I was. Kinda nervous."

" Buffy" Willow says. " It's me,. Will. You can tell me anything. It's ok" She smiles reassuringly, but she's like just loving this. Buffy, not so confident. Not so cool. Kinda appealing, you know?

"Ok." Buffy says. She forges on. " Anyway, I've been, lately, realizing that I have.well.my feelings towards her have changed, I think"

"Her?" Willow says. Oh, this is too good. " Does "her" have a name?" Willow asks innocently. Yeah, like that spider and her parlor innocently.

"Ahhh.. " Buffy sputters. Name, name.what name do I use? " Jill. Lets call her Jill" Buffy says. Whew.

Willow is near busting . Jill. Geeze, Buff. obvious much? " Jill. Ok, so, you're feelings towards Jill have changed? How so, Buffy?"

" I'm. uhhh. I.." Buffy stammers. "Well, I .. uh.kinda find myself daydreaming about her.. more and more.and.kinda.getting.god, Will, help me here.I.. get nervous around her.and.well.I have these fantasies.and." 

" I see" Willow says, smiling. Ok, enough torture here.well.maybe not(giggling to herself). " So, you are having daydreams about her, and fantasies about her. How does that make you feel, Buffy?" Willow asks

"Ummm..nervous? Scared, maybe?" Buffy chokes a little. 

"Scared?" Willow asks, bemused.  " She scares you?"

"No... my feelings.these feelings.scare me" Buffy says, clearly loathe to talk about this.

" You're scared of how you're feeling then?" Willow asks, sympathetically. "You think it's wrong?"

" I don't know what I think, Will" Buffy confesses, her eyes wide and voice plaintive. " I.she.I.what if .I weird her out? I mean.what if she doesn't.can't.feel the same way? What if I lose the friendship we have?"

" Well, there is always that risk, Buffy" Willow smiles. Not much, girl. " Have you .talked to her about this? I mean, Jill?"

" No" Buffy admits. " Afraid to".

" Buffy, it might be just a crush" Willow says. Better not be, girlfriend. " You get that with people your close to sometimes"

"Really? A crush? That's all?" Buffy seems relieved. and disappointed.

"There's no physical attraction, is there? Is there?" Willow asks. There better be, Buffy.or I'm gonna give you such a hit.then kiss the boo boo, of course.

Buffy blushes. " Don't know?" wee voice.

"So, if say, 'Jill' like, touches your arm" Willow reaches out, and lightly touches Buffy's arm " Is there any.feelings?" Buffy shivers a tiny bit

"uhhh" is all Buffy can say.

"Or, if she leans in close, to like tell you a secret" Willow leans over, getting her face inches from Buffy's " How does that make you feel? Do you like.find yourself staring at her lips? Or eyes? or.have any urges, like to kiss her?" Willow smiles. Go ahead Buffy, I won't bite.much.

Buffy is like a deer caught in the headlights. And her eyes are right on Willows lips.where she wishes her lips were.

Willow leans in closer. Her lips are just inches from Buffy's " Well.Buffy?" 

Buffy panics. She pushes her chair back, and makes to bolt. " Gotta go, Will. Gotta .get ready for work" Buffy stands up, looking like she wants to run out of the apartment. Willow's had enough.

" Buffy, SIT!" Willow barks at her. Buffy looks at Willow like she's gone nuts. " SIT!"

Buffy sits.

" 'K, Buffy, kid games are over. Out with it" Willow says, her voice brooking no nonsense.

" Huh? What?" Buffy says, still trying to wiggle out of it.

" C'mon, Buffy. How dumb do you think I  am? ' Jill'? could you be more transparent?" Willow says

" Said to call her that. Didn't say that was her name" Buffy mutters.

" And her name WOULD be?" Willow says, resolve face on. Not taking anymore nonsense.

Buffy replies, almost whispering it. " Will" She turns away, blushing.

" As in Willow? " Willow asks, smiling softly

" yes" again, almost whispering

" And that Willow. has a last name?" Willow can't help it.

"Rosenberg" Buffy is nearly choking.

" You know what I think, Buffy?" Willow says, softly.

"What, Will?" Buffy asks. Here it comes. 

" Well. two things. One, you're so full of adorableness now I could just kiss you." Willow says.

Buffy sits a little stunned. Huh?

" And, what the HELL took you so long?" Willow laughs.

HUH?

" What are you saying, Will?" Buffy asks

" That.you silly goose, I kinda sorta adore you back?" Willow says, smiling at her.

"Really?" Buffy says, not believing her. " Really really?"

"Really, Buffy" Willow says. She scoots closer to Buffy, reaches over and puts her arms around her neck.

"Now, Buffy. if 'Jill' puts her arms around your neck.and she pulls you close" which is what Willow does. " And she puts her lips right next to yours.really close" her lips are barely an inch from Buffy's. " What do you do?" Willow whispers softly.

"Kiss her?" Buffy says

"Mmmm.liking that idea" Willow says, and pulls Buffy into a kiss.

Their first kiss. It's soft, gentle, and eager. They both hold until they need to breathe.then they part, touching foreheads.

Willow sighs. " I just wish you'd done that sooner.like, two days ago sooner" Willow says, a little sad.

"Why Will?" Buffy asks, puzzled.

At that moment, Faith emerges from Buffy's bedroom. Willow and Buffy fly apart like they've been shot. Faith observes what's going on.

" Hey guys. Hmmm.isn't this.cozy?" She chuckles.

" There are complications" Willow says, a little remorsefully

" Any coffee left? " Faith asks, making for the kitchen

" Big complications" Willow says.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

TBC

Yeah.5'5" complications with dark hair, sexy voice and killer eyes complications

Sigh.


	7. Chapter 7

After All, Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, it's all Joss Whedon's

Author's Note: Wouldn't it be nice if it were all simple? If choices were clear cut, Black and White, without any gray?  But it's never easy. No one goes unhurt, no one leaves without scars. Even our three women. Damn

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After All

Chapter 7

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The three sat at the kitchen table for awhile, no one saying much of anything.

The sexual electricity was palpable, and the tension could be cut with a knife. Finally, Faith got up, made some excuse about wanting to get a head start on the job front, and headed to the bathroom to do her dailies. Buffy and Willow sat at the table, more or less just looking at each other, touching hands, talking about anything but what happened.

Faith emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered. She quickly dressed and headed out the door. She had accessed the situation, and figured the best place for her to be was anywhere but here. She needed to think, and this wasn't the place to do it.

Willow stood up, and taking Buffy's hand, drew her to her. She'd forgotten how small the Blonde was. Being Buffy, being the slayer, seemed to give her a bigger presence. But the young woman, so nervous in her arms, was so.fragile. So.needing to be protected. Willow simply held her close, letting her become comfortable and warm in her arms. Buffy soon responded, and shyly kissed Willow, her lips brushing then settling on the taller redhead's The kiss started shy, soft, but progressed into a passionate one as Buffy became more relaxed. There mouths seemed to open on cue, and their tongues touched, played and caressed as each woman felt tiny sparks down their spines.

Both women were breathless when the kiss ended, but Willow, though definitely a bit foggy, still was in control enough to lead Buffy into her bedroom, she shut the door, and they kissed again. This kiss became very passionate, each releasing long pent feelings.

Willow broke the kiss, Buffy whimpering a little. Buffy began to be nervous, though, when Willow began to undress her. Willow just used kisses and caresses to reassure Buffy, and her nervousness was soon replaced with tingles and pleasure. Willow quickly undressed herself, and the two women stood for a moment, just looking at each other.

For Willow, it had been a long fantasy finally made real. She was amazed that Buffy was even more beautiful than she had imagined. Her athletic body was perfectly proportioned; everything fit together so nicely. The soft curves were trim, but very feminine.

For Buffy, it was . an epiphany. She'd never had such strong feelings for a woman before, and her friend, standing before her, just made the feelings more intense and deep. Her body was slim, soft, and beautiful. She never thought she could be turned on by a woman, but Willow most definitely excited the lust in her. She stood, dumbfounded. Wanting, but not knowing how to go about it.

Willow came up behind Buffy, and embraced her, pulling the slayer to her. Her hands covered the slayers small, pert breasts. She gently caressed them, as she kissed the slayers smooth neck. Buffy let out a sigh of utter contentment. She's never felt so loved, so.wanted. Willow felt Buffy's nipples harden under her palms, and Buffy, almost instinctively, arched her back , pressing her breasts into Willow's hands, and her bottom into Willow. Willow felt her own excitement increase, her nipples hardening and pushing into Buffy's back, her sex getting warm and moist. Her hands began to wander over Buffy, to Buffy's increasing pleasure. Buffy, letting her feelings take over, began to pant and softly moan at Willow's intimate touches.

Somehow, in the fog of lust and desire, they stumbled over to Willow's bed, and fell upon it, each wrapping themselves around the other. Arms and legs became pleasure objects as their kisses deepened and became almost fierce. They touched in ways they had only fantasized before. They each place a thigh between the other's legs, and slowly began to rub against  each other, the excitement building within their bodies. They caressed, their lips finding new playthings.  Their excitement became obvious, their thighs wet with their excitement. Their hands explored each other as they pushed each other higher and higher on the peak, their excitement becoming icy fire within them. As their climaxes approached, the pulled each other close, rubbing their whole bodies together in a syncopated rhythm, their breathing ragged with excitement, their moans increasing in depth and volume. So close as to be together, they came. It seemed like they melted into each other, their excitement flowing between them. Their bodies continued to move against each other even as they no longer knew who was who. Slowly, they descended from the peak, and they gripped each other.  Then the embraced relaxed, their lips found each other, and the kiss, while warm, was gentle and loving. They sighed, not saying a word, and drifted into a gentle nap, each still in the other's embrace.

Willow awoke first, sitting up in her bed. She looked over at Buffy, and her heart just ached. She had almost wished it had been awful. That after all the anticipation, and build it, it had turned out to be nothing. But it wasn't. It had been beautiful. And it just made it all the harder.

Willow felt dirty. Like she was cheating on both of them, and it made her skin crawl. She hated feeling this way. It wasn't fair. Both of them.Faith, and Buffy.did something to her. 

That night with Faith, after the  big fight with Buffy, had been. passionate, intense, mind blowing. She had done things to Willow she'd never experienced with anyone. She'd awoken things in Willow she hadn't known existed. It was a totally different experience with her and Faith, and she knows now she'd fallen in love with her that night. When . nothing happened after that night, she'd rationalized it as a one time thing. That she'd just had an emotional meltdown, and Faith had been there, and things just happened. Then Faith showed up at her door. And it all slammed right back into her gut. It was all right there. She almost wanted to just throw Faith right there on the floor and rape her, the feelings had been so strong. But, Buffy was there, drunk, and needing.and she couldn't. Because she loved Buffy too.

And now.this. Goddess, it just wasn't fair. No one should love to people at one time. She loved them both, in different ways. With Faith it was passionate and intense, animalistic and lustful. But in the same breath, there was an edge of caring and warmth in it.a need filled on both sides. With Buffy, god, it was gentle, softer, more quiet, but definitely passionate. Buffy brought out a nurturing instinct in Willow. Faith brought out a wantonness she didn't know she had. Why couldn't they be one woman, Willow sighed. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. My heart feels like it's being torn into two, by two of the most wonderful women I've ever known. I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do?

She quietly got up from the bed, and collected her things. She needed to shower, to get to work. It was getting late, and she had clients to meet. Maybe that would at least take her mind off her problems for awhile.

But, she doubted it.

She knew her mind was not going to be on business today

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Faith didn't bother looking for a job that day.

She knew it was pointless, her mind wasn't going to be in "get employed" mode. Her thoughts all strayed back to Willow. And what she knew was going on, even as she was sitting her in the park.

Her head told her that she had to let this happen. She knew that Willow had to do this. Faith, if Willow chose her, didn't want her coming to her with regrets. No " What ifs". No regrets. No baggage. She wanted Willow to want HER above all else.

But her gut was a different story, and she couldn't help feeling jealousy. Red is mine, B. You had your chance. Years of chances. Why now? Damn you, B, you take everything I want. You got no right! None! It should be me there, and you should be anywhere else. Dammit, Dammit, DAMMIT!!!

Faith couldn't sit here. She got up, and began to run, and run. She needed to work off her anger, get too tired to be angry anymore. She just kept running 'til her wind gave out, 'til she was doubled over, a hitch in her side causing her to stop. She caught her breath, and slowly the anger melted. but it was replaced by an overwhelming sense of sadness. and the tears came. Fuck, now I'm getting all blubbery. But she couldn't help it. The pangs, the ache just made the tears worse and worse. Finally she just sat down, and cried. Her heart told her that she was gonna lose this one, that she should just crawl away now with whatever dignity she had left.

But something deep in Faith wasn't going for it. Faith's great strength, her best quality, was that she wasn't a quitter. She might run when she's in danger, she might even change sides when she's totally disillusioned, but she never quit. When she felt loyal to someone, or wanted something badly enough, she didn't stop. She gave it her all, and then some. And she wasn't going to quit now. She didn't want this. She certainly didn't like this. But she was here. She was in love. She loved Red with all her heart, and there was no way she was just going to crawl away like some wounded puppy. Unless Red told her to get lost, she was here. And staying here. And if Oh so Perfect Buffy Summers didn't like that, she could take a hike. Goodbye, and good riddance, far as Faith was concerned. This wasn't good vs. evil. This was love. Period.

Faith wiped away her tears, and her face set into a new resolve.

Do what you gotta do, Red. Whatever it takes for you to decide. But as far as I'm thinking, it's already done.

You're gonna chose me.

Cause I'm the one who's right for you.

And I'll wait as long as it takes.

I'm not going anywhere!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

No, Faith is not a quitter. She wasn't the one to finally quit.

No, It was Buffy. 

But saying she 'quit' is harsh. Because she didn't stop loving Willow. She loved her more every day. And that finally is what made her back off, to give up.

Because she saw what this was doing to Willow, and she knew that in the end, it would kill her. It was making her a wreck, it was making it hell to live at the apartment. 

The decision didn't happen in a day, or a week. It took a month for Buffy to finally decide this couldn't go on. So, she decided it wouldn't. She decided that Willow's sanity, her happiness, meant more to Buffy than Buffy's own. She decided to let her go.

She, fortunately, had an excuse. Giles had called her a week ago. Due to the increase in activity in the Hellmouth in Cleveland, the Watcher's council had decided to set up a Training center there. To get the local slayers properly trained, and educated. And to bring in other girls from other parts of the country to be trained. They already had a director, and a Head of Academics, but they still needed someone to head up the Training Program. They wanted Buffy.

At first, she turned it down. She still hoped that somehow, She and Willow would work out. But as time passed, and as the situation just got worse, she called Giles back. She said she would accept the position. She needed a few days to clear things up in San Francisco, then would be ready. 

This wasn't easy for her. It felt like someone was running hot knives through her heart, her gut, everywhere. It hurt so much, she often had to hide in the bathroom to cry. But what was happening here was worse, and she knew something had to be done. And she did it.

The worst part was telling Willow. She didn't want to. She thought about running away, not saying anything. sneaking out. But, she wasn't 16 years old anymore. She couldn't do that again. So, she hardened her heart, and had a talk with Willow.

They are in the kitchen. Buffy has her bags packed, by the door. She is going to leave once this is done.

"You're leaving?" Willow said. Her voice was thick. Her heart was breaking, and it was her own damned fault. She knew that.

Buffy nodded. " I have to , Will. I accepted the job in Cleveland, and I'm committed. And let's face it, this isn't working" Buffy said, her voice neutral, but dying a little inside.

" I'm so sorry, Buffy. I screwed everything up so badly" Willow said, She's trying to keep her emotions in check, but her face shows her pain and remorse." I didn't want it to be this way. I never meant it to be this way. If it helps, Buffy, I really, really hate myself right now. I don't deserve either of you" Willow says, putting her face in her hands. Buffy, hurting herself, can't stand seeing this, and reaches out to comfort her friend. Cause, no matter, Willow is her friend.

" Shhh . shhh.shhh" Buffy says. " I wish it had been different, Willow. I do. But we both know something had to give. This couldn't go on this way. I'm not going to lie, Will. This hurts. Badly. And I'm really angry. I wish that you'd chosen. It would've been easier. But I can't just watch this drag on. I can't watch you go through this anymore. So, I gotta go. Now. Before I can't" She gets up to go.

" You hate me, don't you?" Willow says. Her eyes are wide, full of tears. She is dying herself. This is the end of their friendship, the end of everything between them, and she knows it. Losing seven years of your life leaves a huge hole in your heart.

"No, I don't hate you Will" Buffy says, her voice cracking. " I wish I could. It'd be so much easier to hate you. But I can't. I can't look at you anymore, I can't be here anymore. It hurts too damned much". With that, Buffy turns away, towards the front door.

Willow wants to call out. Wants to ask her to stay. To say they'll work it out, somehow. She wants to crawl on her knees after Buffy. But she doesn't. She can't. She knows Buffy's right. And that hurts most of all.

Buffy turns back for one last look. Anything, any sign. to change her mind. But Will is staring down at the table in front of her. Buffy wishes she hadn't looked back. "Bye, Will" she says, turns, and leaves.

Willow, almost silently, says " Bye, Buffy".  She continues to stare at the table.

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Buffy is about to leave the lobby of the apartments when her way is blocked. By Faith.

Buffy is in no mood for this. " Get out of my way, Faith" She growls.

"She loves you, you know" Faith says, quietly.

" Not enough Faith. Not enough to choose. Now, move before I have to hit you." Buffy says, her anger rising.

" Will that help, B? Will that make it easier? If so, go ahead. Hit me" Faith says." I won't stop you"

Faith stands there, braced for it. Buffy just looks at her, and shakes her head.

"What's the point, Faith? You won, I lost. Move. I wanna go" Buffy says, getting ready to shove her out of the way, if necessary. 

Faith doesn't move. " I didn't 'Win' B. No one 'won'. You're walking away. Why are you doing this?"

"You don't get it, do you?" Buffy says." This is killing her Faith. She's not sleeping, she's not eating, and she's always upset. She's gonna break, if something doesn't happen. I'm sorry, I can't watch that. I love her too much" Buffy closes her eyes, the ache in her heart throbbing madly.

" B. I didn't want this. Not like this" Faith says.

"Faith. Don't. Please don't" Buffy opens her eyes, and a single tear is running down her cheek. " Just. take care of her". She walks past Faith, out of the building, out of their lives.

Faith watches her go. Her face is not triumphant, or happy. She is sad.

She turns and , shoulders slumped, walks upstairs.

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TBC

Please. Before I hear hisses and boos at Willow, remember her choices were not easy. Faith or Buffy. If we were to follow the Buffyverse according to Josh, and both Angel and Spike had the shanshu prophesy realized: they both became human. Then, they go to Buffy and say " Choose". Easy? Don't think so. And how is what Buffy is doing that much different than what Angel did to her at the end of season 3? It's never easy, is it?

This isn't over. More to come, soon. Be aware, this is still a B/W ship. So, Faith fans, you might not like much what's gonna happen. I have sharp knives ready for your use. Just, watch the ears ok?


	8. Chapter 8

After All, Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Yes,  Joss Whedon and Co. still own them. 

Author's note: I can't give you the warning I would like to give you without giving away the essentials to this chapter. Unpleasantness is going to happen. If you find you're attached to any of the characters(Buffy/Faith/Willow) please stop reading now.

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After All

Chapter 8

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Buffy seemed to be doing well in her new life. 

At least she was getting used to it. Making do. Getting by. At least, she seemed to be. Most of the time. Except when she thought about her old life. Then, things didn't  go so well.

She seemed to have a natural affinity for teaching the trainee slayers. They at first, seeing her diminutive size, thought she couldn't be for real. A few rounds with her taught them differently. By their third session together, they began to wonder exactly how they got along before she was there to teach them.

Even though she was head of the training department, she insisted on teaching some classes herself. Mostly those who were more along in their training. The ones who ' knew it all' already. They soon found out differently.

Buffy threw herself into her work. She seemed to relish the responsibilities, and kept taking on more and more  work. She often spent a good portion of  her free time working. In short, the ex-mall rat, prom queen, cheerleader became a workaholic. With little time to socialize. Or to think. And she liked that part best.

Because when she had time to think, to ponder her past, to dredge up her memories, the pain all came rushing back. Full force. Like a 20 pound sledge to the stomach. She couldn't let it go. She couldn't move on. So, her way to deal was to bury it, push it deep. Keep herself so busy she fell into bed, exhausted. Not much of a life. But it's the life she had.

She'd started running in the mornings. At first, she told herself it was to get herself back into shape. Then, she told herself it was to keep in shape. The real reason was, she was running from her feelings. Cleveland wasn't far enough from San Francisco to escape how she felt. The pain was still too real, too close. She started running, hoping if she ran long enough, far enough, fast enough she would outrun the feelings. She could stop hurting. That the act of firing up her blood and heart would somehow burn it out of her. Do I need to say it never really worked? No matter how fast, how hard, how long she would run, it was still there. In the quiet moments when she was alone. When there was nothing else to keep her mind busy, her body busy.

So, that was her life. Wake up and run. Eat breakfast standing up, then shower, and off to work. Work through lunch, taking 5 or 10 minutes to eat when she could find the time. Then work through early evening. Grab work, bring it home. Work until her eyes were hot, her body exhausted, then bed. Sometimes, TV, for the mindless zoning out. If she didn't have enough work to bring home, she would go out and patrol. On patrol, she was a quick, deadly and efficient killing machine. She no longer mocked the vampires or demons. She just dispatched them. It was beautiful in form, deadly in efficiency, and joyless.

More and more, she desired nothing but to become a machine; well tuned, efficient and without feeling. But like any finely tuned machine, all critical systems had to be maintained. While her body was prime, and her mind was sharp, and her concentration was dead on, her emotional structures were badly out of tune. Dysfunctional.  The things that made her unique as a slayer, that made her The Slayer, were slowly breaking down, misfiring, failing her. Most importantly, she no longer seemed to care.

Rupert Giles watched her, as he had for so much of her life, and was concerned. 

He was instrumental to creating the Cleveland Training Center, and had passed the day to day administration of the Watcher's Council to subordinates, so he could personally be director of the new Center. He'd missed being 'in the field' and the stress of  reorganizing the council had worn on him. He needed a change. When the idea for the American branch of the training center had been approved, he jumped on the chance to run it. It would put him closer to the field, and still allow him to maintain contact with the council when he needed it. Not perfect… not the old days, but closer than he'd been in awhile.

He'd aged somewhat. He had gray now in his hair, mostly at the temples. The lines on his face were etched deeper. But his eyes, though needing the aid of glasses, were still piercing and observant. And what he was seeing in Buffy was troubling.

The one thing he'd so admired in his former charge had been her ability to lead with her heart. She always put her heart, her caring, before all else. Some had seen it as a weakness in her; to him it had always been her greatest strength. But now, she seemed … different.

Where before she'd been brave to the point of impetuous, she was now more calculating, more cautious. She still had the sense of responsibility for her charges, but now it was more a safety thing, than genuine concern. Her fighting style was superb. There was no question of that. She worked daily on her technique, and it showed. But , it wasn't all about technique. What made her special was the heart she put into her fighting. That had distinguished her, made her rise above. And that was missing.

He knew something had happened in San Francisco. He didn't know what. She didn't say. But knowing her as he did, caring for her as deeply as he did, he could see and feel the pain she carried. In his way, he gently tried to get her to come out of her shell. To tell him what it was that had hurt her so deeply. But she'd resisted all his efforts, and he was in the dark about it. For the longest time. 

It wasn't until one night when he was working late, that he found out. He passed her office on his way out, and noticed that her lights were still on. This wasn't unusual. She often worked late into the evening. As if she didn't want to go home, and only left reluctantly. On impulse, he decided to pop in and say hi. It was when he reached out to knock that he heard it. Quiet sobs coming from inside. He quietly opened the door, and saw Buffy at her desk, turned away. She was hunched over, and her body was shaking. Without thought, he went to her, and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, her face tear stained, and his heart broke for her. She looked all of 16 again. The side she'd so labored to hide, the vulnerable little girl, had come out. He gently lifted her and gathered her in his arms, and she lay her head on his chest, sobbing and crying her broken heart out. He held her and caressed her hair, letting her vent the pain and sorrow that had built up to overflowing.

In bits and pieces, it came out. The whole story. Even after all these years, she still could surprise him. When he'd watch her and Willow reconcile on the steps of the mortuary, he never suspected that stronger, deeper feelings would ensue. He suspected that Buffy had also struggled with these feelings, and just when she was ready to deal with them, it had all blown up in her face. She walked away to spare the woman she loved the pain she now carried like a wound. A wound that still was raw, even after more than a year.

He knew that there was nothing he could do. Like any good father, he wanted to spare his child hurt. But this was one of those situations that he couldn't do anything but listen, comfort and lend support. This was something Buffy had to deal with. He would've done anything to spare her this pain. But he couldn't; no one could.

She settled into his embrace, drawing comfort and strength from him. Gradually the tears subsided, and she looked up at him, giving him one of her genuine smiles… one he hadn't seen for a long time. Drying her tears, she gently broke the embrace, feeling a little embarrassed. She turned, and without a  word left the office.

He watched her go, and was again reminded of how much a part of his life she'd been all these years. He removed his glasses and cleaned them, reflecting how fuller his life had been because of her. Returning his glasses to his face, he switched off the lights and left the office.

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Buffy began to receive strange calls.

Well, actually, they were strange messages on her machine. Or non messages, actually.

She tended to monitor her calls. She … often as not didn't feel like talking to someone when they called; rather, would wait to consider a response, then call back.  And she was especially afraid  of certain calls. Calls that might come from the West Coast. Talking to …them … would be just too painful. So, instead of answering the phone, she would listen…then if important, she would pick up, or if not, call back later.

At first it seemed innocent enough. The machine would go on, and then the phone would hang up. Someone got the wrong number. But then they increased in frequency, and length. They would wait through the message, then…there would be a pause, as if they were thinking of leaving a message, then changed their minds. Then the phone would hang up. After awhile she began to think she might have a stalker. It was almost amusing, because she knew she could take care of herself. But it still had a creepy feel to it, nonetheless.

Then came the night they left a message.

She had worked late that evening, and when she got home, she was the message light flashing. She pushed the button, and it played:

" Buffy? Are you there? If your there, please pick up. It's important. Please? Are you there? (pause) I guess not, Ok. Bye." Click

It was like a knife in her heart. The voice was Willow's. She stood looking at the machine for awhile, her heart beating fast. She reached to hit the 'erase" button…then rewound the tape, and played it again. And again. Each time, it made her heart ache, yet it strangely comforted her. Finally, she erased the message, thinking no more about it. 

Until the next night. There were 5 messages this time, all from Willow.  The first two were similar to the first. Checking to see if she were there, then hanging up. Then they changed.

"Buffy. This is Willow. Please call, it's important. The number is the same. If you forgot it it's (phone number). Please call(click)"

" Buffy. Haven't heard back. Guess you must be working late. Please call as soon as you get this. It's important(click)"

and then the last call. " Buffy, please. Call back. Very important. Please" 

Buffy thought about it a long time. She almost called twice, but stopped herself. She finally erased the messages.

That part of her life was past. Calling back would only dredge up old feelings, old wounds. She didn't want to do that. She had enough pain. She'd made her choice, and was going to stick by it.

That didn't stop the tears though, or the hurt. But she didn't call back.

And there were no more calls from Willow after that.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow sat in her room, on her bed. 

She was dressed very conservatively in a dark suit. Very unusual for her. But this was a very unusual day.

She knew she had to go, it was getting late. The clock already said 10:30, and she had to be there by 11:00. But try as she would, she couldn't quite do it.

She would get up, walk to the door…then her legs seemed to give out on her…and she would have to crawl back to the bed.

The last few months had been tough. Very tough. She'd been stressed, and overworked, and overtired. But she dealt with it. And made it through. But all through that time, in the back of her head, she knew this day was coming. And she dreaded it.

Now that day was here. And she couldn't deal.

But she had to deal. She had no choice. She had to deal.

In a minute. She would deal. In a minute.

Like she'd been telling herself for the last hour. In a minute. I'll get up, go out that door, and get through it.

In a minute.

Finally, gathering her strength, she got up again. And walked to the door. 

And left the room.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy had worked late. It was nearing the end of the training semester, and a lot of extra details had to be taken care of. She was late getting home that evening, later than usual.

As she exited the elevator, she saw someone in the hallway. By her doorway. Immediately, her slayer sense kicked in. She was living on (another) Hellmouth, and there was no telling who… or what… was there. They had their back turned from her, and whoever it  was had on a large coat, and stocking cap.

She approached slowly. As if sensing her presence, or hearing her step, the person turned around. Buffy stopped dead in her tracks.

It was Willow. She was standing there, looking at Buffy. Her face was pale, her expression grave. Her eyes had dark circles around them, and were also puffy from crying. Something was wrong; terribly wrong.

"Will?" Buffy said, the old feelings just kicking in like they'd always been there. They had.

" Buffy" Willow said, her voice quiet, and a little hoarse.

"What is it Will? Why are you here?" Buffy said. She looked around." Where's Faith?"

"She's not here Buffy," Willow said, her voice cracking just a little." She's… gone"

" Gone? I don't understand?" Buffy said, puzzled.

" She…" Willow begins, but her voice is faltering." She's.. passed away"

It doesn't register with Buffy for a second. Then, it hits her. And suddenly, the wind is knocked out of her, like she's been kicked by a horse.

"Faith? …passed away? Oh…god, Will…I'm so…" Buffy says, but Willow interrupts.

"Sorry?" Willow asks, an edge of bitterness in her voice. "Really Buffy?"

" Oh, god Will, of course. I …didn't hate Faith, or you. Honest, Will" Buffy said." Angry, yes. Hurt? Yes. But I never ever hated either of you".

" I hope you'll forgive me if I find that hard to believe" Willow says. " But , it really doesn't matter now, does it?"

" Of course it matters, Will" Buffy says, her voice plaintive " How could you think otherwise?"

" Why, Buffy? Why?" Willow asks, her voice edgy." Why didn't you answer the phone? Why didn't you call back?"

"God, Willow. It was too painful. It…still hurts, Will." Buffy says, defensively " It hurts badly. Still. Hearing your voice cut through me like a knife. I…just …couldn't do it" 

Willow softens a little bit, but is still distant. " I guess it doesn't matter now, anyway. Faith's dead." She said, her voice quiet again, she was back in control." Here" She hands Buffy an envelop with her name on it." She wrote this to you. It's in my handwriting, because she couldn't control her hands towards the end" Willow's hand starts to shake." Take it, please".

Buffy takes the envelope. She looks at it, and turns it over in her hands. She looks up at Will.

" It was her last wish, that you have that. She wanted you to read that. I hope you will." Willow says." I have to go."

"Will…please. Don't go. Please stay" Buffy says, pleading with her." Tell me what happened"

" I don't think that's a good idea, Buffy" Willow says." I only came to be sure you got that"

" Please, Will. Please?" Buffy is begging now." I have to know. Please."

Willow sighs. She so didn't want to think about this again. But, she figured she owed it to Buffy.

" Alright, Buffy." She said, simply.

"Come inside. Please" Buffy said, opening the door.

Willow entered the apartment, followed by Buffy. Buffy indicated the sofa, and Willow removed her coat and hat, and sat down.

Buffy , watching Willow, was shocked. Willow was thin…sickly thin, gaunt. She hadn't realized it, because of the oversized jacket, but she looked like…death.

" Will! My god, are you ill?" Buffy said, her voice concerned.

"Haven't been feeling well, Buffy" Will said.

" Have you been to a doctor?" Buffy asked

" Doctor can't cure this, Buffy" Willow said, turning away.

Then Buffy knew. It was grief. It was eating her alive. Buffy's heart broke for her friend. Her love. God, she never thought she'd think that again. But it was true now, as it was then. She wanted desperately to gather Will in her arms, to comfort her. But Willow's face said she didn't want that. Not from her. Buffy turned away so Will couldn't see the tears coming to her eyes.

"Tea?" Buffy asked, controlling her voice.

" Yes, please" Willow said, her voice softer, the edge gone." That would be good, thank you" 

Buffy busied herself in the kitchen, trying to avoid Willow 'til she could regain control. She managed to conceal from Will  her drying her eyes, and when the water had boiled, made the tea. She brought a mug for Willow and herself.

" It started I guess, around 6 months ago. At first, it didn't seem like anything, really. She had a little problem with coordination. Sometimes she'd get tired quicker than usual. Then the headaches started. Not too bad at first, they got worse. And she was getting tired all the time. Finally, I forced her to see a doctor. She didn't want to, but she gave in finally. All the standard test seemed normal, but the doctor was worried. He ordered a CAT scan.

She had a tumor… about the size of a lime. They scheduled surgery, and removed it. They thought they had it all. It seemed good. For awhile, she was in recovery…but then the symptoms returned. They were puzzled…and ordered another CAT scan. The tumor was back…and larger now. They didn't , couldn't understand it. But the removed it again. It didn't help. It came back again.

We finally, Faith and I, figured it out. Whatever power that makes you heal faster, was working on the tumor. No matter how they tried, they couldn't get out every last cell… and that's all that was needed to bring it back again. After that, Faith refused any more treatment. It was pointless, and painful. She came home.

It…was dreadful, Buffy. As the tumor grew, it pressed against other parts of her brain. Soon, too soon, she was delusional. Often, I had to restrain her. Feeding her…was near impossible. She got paranoid, thought the food was being poisoned. She wasted away Buffy. Finally, I forced an IV drip on her, with a glucose feed. But I had to keep her restrained so she couldn't remove it. And all the time she was crying, and saying awful things, and making no sense. It…" She stops. She needs to bring herself back into control. Buffy takes a chance, and puts her arms around her. Willow doesn't resist, but doesn't respond, either.

"At the last, the last week. She came back for awhile. That's when I was calling you, Buffy. She wanted to talk to you, desperately wanted to talk to you. And you never answered" Willow said, her tone flat.

Buffy feels like her heart is being squeezed. Her remorse and guilt is… near overwhelming.

" That's when she wrote the note. Or, had me write it for her. She wanted so badly to write it herself, but her hands…just couldn't do it… they couldn't hold a pen, or pencil. So, she dictated it to me, and I wrote it." 

"The last day of her life, she was lucid, and rational. She was tired, but she tried to make every effort to comfort me. She finally sent me out of the room, saying she needed a little break. I was only gone 5 minutes. I just stepped outside the apartment, to get a breath. I was exhausted, and overwrought. The smell of someone dying, Buffy, is awful. I came back in, and immediately checked on her. But in those 5 minutes, she slipped away. She was gone Buffy. She died, alone. I wasn't there to hold her hand at the end. She died alone!" Willow loses it, her body shaking. Buffy holds her, saying nothing.

Willow recovers herself, and continues. " I would have been here sooner, but I had to take care of the arrangements. It was strange. All those people she helped, all the potentials, no one came to her funeral. I was there alone, with the minister. It was… heartbreaking."

I… I …didn't know, Will." Buffy said, her guilt taking over." I would have come, if I'd known"

" I'm not blaming you, Buffy" Willow said, wearily." I know you would have come. I should have told you. I regret now I didn't"

" I'm so sorry, Will." Buffy says, her voice cracking. She's no longer trying to hide her feelings" I never wanted this"

"I know, Buffy" Willow said, her voice low but steady." Please, read her letter. It was her last wish. It was very important to her"

Buffy, her hands shaking, opens the envelope. She extracts the letter, and starts to read:

B 

****

**_I'm sorry I'm not writing this myself, but … I can't seem to make my hands do what I want them to do anymore. Ah, well. What can I say? Maybe better that Red writes this…me and writing was never best buds anyway._**

**_I'll get right to it, B. I'm sorry. Not about loving Red. Sorry, I can't apologize for that. It's been the best time of my life, and I love her now more than ever. I know, that might be painful for you, but sorry. That's a fact._**

**_But, I'm sorry because you and me… we never got to be the friends I wanted us to be. I regret that . A lot. So much bad stuff between us, B. So much I'd like to take back. To make different. But I can't do that. It's done. I guess, B, when it comes right down to it, I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be you, B. I wanted what you had. Respect, friends, and the whole nine yards. And I never knew what you had to do to get that. Not until , for awhile, I lived in your body, did I know how hard it was to BE you , B. That was my salvation, B. My redemption. I never woulda changed, if not for that. And I can't tell you how grateful I  am._**

**_You and Angel did a lot for me, B. Stuff I can't ever repay. But the best thing you did, was to help me realize it was ok to be me. I could be me, and still be like you. I didn't have to be you, to be like you. It gave me hope, it gave me self respect. All the things I needed to become…better. Thanks, B. I'll never forget it._**

**_My only regret is how we are now. Against each other again. Not that I want to be, but seems that that's what happens with us. I dunno, B. Maybe that's what's meant to be, and we can't change it._**

**_But, for a little while, while we were fighting the First, it was great. You and me, fighting side by side. It meant the world to me, B. I hope it meant something to you, too._**

**_Not much more to say, I guess, B. Except I love you like a sister. And that someday, I hope you'll find it to forgive me._**

**_Oh, yeah, about Willow. It's gonna be hard for her, I know. Please, B, remember what you told me, that morning you left.  " Just take care of her". Please?_**

****

**_Faith_**

****

By the time Buffy has finished the letter, she is openly crying. They are both crying, and they hold each other. So much pain, and so many regrets. We figure we have forever to tell someone how we feel, and are all too often too late. Buffy now has a new burden on her heart. She can never tell Faith how she felt about her, and that is something she will have to live with the rest of her life.

They break their embrace, and sit for awhile. It's quiet. There's nothing to say. About Faith, or to each other. They both know that too much has come between them. What they might have had, was just that. Might have had, might have been. But, now, that's gone. Perhaps forever. The silence becomes uncomfortable, and finally Willow breaks it.

" I have to go, Buffy." Willow says

" You can't stay? Please Will, stay?" Buffy asks, but already knows the answer.

" I'm sorry, Buffy, but no. I can't stay." Willow says. " I have too many things I have to do"

In almost an exact reverse of what happened that morning she left Willow, Buffy wants to beg her to stay, to crawl to her, to make her understand. But she knows that won't happen. More than ever, she senses it's over. Whatever chance they had, was past. Their ship had sailed, and they were left on the dock, separate, alone.

She walked Willow to the door, and on impulse, hugged her. Willow was stiff in her arms, but gradually relaxed and returned the hug. Buffy couldn't help it, her emotions got the best of her. She started to cry.

Willow hugged her, and brushed away her tears. " Buffy, don't, please don't" Willow said, her own voice thick with emotion." It'll just make it harder"

" I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it" Buffy said.

So many things left unsaid in that moment. So many things undone.

" Goodbye, Buffy" Willow said, " Take care of yourself". She had to leave now. Her heart was breaking again.

" Bye, Will" Buffy said. She was beyond feeling. She was dying.

Willow took one last long look at her, then turned, and walked out the door. Buffy watched her 'til she entered the elevators, and the doors shut on her.

She then closed her door.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

TBC 

No witty parting shots. This was a hard chapter for me to write. Thanks for reading.


	9. Chapter 9

After All, Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Joss owns it all. Except for the story, which is mine

Author's note: Just when it seems it can't get any darker, it does. B/W Fans now might want to stop here. This is turning out a lot darker than I had planned. I apologize to anyone who I might have misled. I didn't mean to. Sorry again.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

After All

Chapter 9

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

San Francisco, California. Afternoon

Buffy Summers sat on the beach. She was bundled up, as it was a cold San Francisco winter day. Even the sun, when it came out, barely warmed her face. Nothing could touch her heart.

She knew she had to go soon. She always went before dark. She still had to get the flowers before she did her daily duty. The one thing that kept her going. She felt tired, washed out. Like the sky, all shades of gray.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy waited a day, then another, and yet another. Finally after nearly a week , she made her decision. She had to go after Will, to talk to her. Somehow, to reach out to her. She'd struggled with herself for a week, trying to decide whether it was best to let Will alone, or to try to a way they could at least talk to each other again. The wall that had been built between them was thick and strong. Buffy was not sure if they could breach it. But she also knew that going on like this wasn't acceptable. She didn't expect anything. Nothing more than maybe trying to work their way back to what they had been: Friends. She wasn't looking for anything else. All she wanted to do was to try to help Willow get through this. She had felt how it was affecting her. She'd seen how Willow was wasting away, when she hugged her, it was like holding skin, and bones, and sharp edges. Buffy knew that Willow couldn't go on this way, she needed help. Buffy wanted; no, Buffy needed to help her.

Buffy called Giles, and explained that she needed time off. She didn't know how much. Willow needed her help, and that had to be her priority right now. She would understand if Giles replaced her, but there was no discussion on this. Giles simply said he understood. He would get someone from the English Academy to cover for her 'til she was ready to return. To not worry, and just take care of Willow. After she hung up, she again realized what she owed this man she thought of as her father. Something she could never repay. She was beyond grateful.

She called Airlines next, and found the next flight out from Cleveland to San Francisco. Cost wasn't a factor, she needed to be there as soon as possible. She was already late…days late. She booked the flight, which was in 3 hours, and hung up. She started to pack.

As she packed, she began to think. Think about things she'd pushed away in the last year. About Will. And Faith. And how stupid she'd been about it all. How she'd wished she'd been more mature, accepted what had happened, and reached out to them. Before it was too late to reach out. She told herself that it would be so much easier to just let this go. But she didn't want to do that. She'd done that, and now it was too late to make it up to Faith, or in that regard, with Willow. But she would be damned if she would stand by again, and let Willow stand alone. Be alone. When she needed someone to support her.

She realized that Willow might not want her there. At least, at first. But she was going to persist. She meant to make whatever she could right between them again. She decided it was time to stop acting like a child, and to start acting like an adult. To stop running, but to face up to what she had to do. This wasn't about her, this was about Willow. Helping Willow. That was her purpose now, her reason.  To be the friend she hadn't been for way too long.

She finished packing, and called a cab. She decided she wouldn't drive to the airport. She had no idea how long she would be gone, or if she'd ever be back. Either way, taking her car would be pointless. She hefted her suitcases, walked to the front door of the apartment, and took one look around. She wondered why all of a sudden it looked strange to her, like she'd only been waiting here. She sighed, and snapped off the lights.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow sat in her kitchen, looking at a picture of Faith.

Her eyes were red from crying, but her eyes were dry now. The time for tears was past. It was time to do what she must do, what she wanted to do. But, even wanting it, didn't make it easier.

She didn't even know why she had been putting it off… delaying. Maybe she had secretly hoped that a slayer would come along, and vanquish the demons haunting her, eating her alive.

It had been a mistake, seeing Buffy. She could have sent the letter, mailed it. But she wanted to see Buffy. More like, she had to see Buffy. But instead of helping, it had just made it worse. She didn't know what she had expected; whatever it was, she didn't get it. All it had done was heap more pain onto the pain she already carried. She had to run from that. 

She'd been thinking about this ever since Faith had died. She'd thought, and thought. But still, she hesitated. Waiting. For what? She didn't know. Whatever she was waiting for wasn't going to happen. 

It was time. Now was the time. She got up from her chair, and made her way to the bathroom. She started the water in the tub, and turned on the radio. Something soft, mellow. She'd need that. She closed the door to the bathroom.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

During the plane trip to San Francisco, Buffy thought about what she would say to Willow.

She frankly didn't know what to say. Or if she would even say anything. Or if Willow would speak to her. Or see her, even.

No matter, she had to try. Something was wrong. Something was terribly broken in Willow. Something she hoped she could help fix.

She'd seen Willow grieve before. Over Oz, when he left her. She'd withdrawn, but she got through it. She finally came out of her shell when Tara came into her life. Tara had been her small miracle, her healing. She had not only made Willow good again, she made her better. Buffy had watched Willow blossom with Tara, and had been happy. Even when there had been the break up over the magic use, they had somehow still connected. Willow had turned away, finally, from magic, and had tried harder to just be herself. And that was because of  Tara, the connection they had.

When Tara died, Willow had gone…god, I hate the word evil. It wasn't evil. It was… lashing out, vengeance. The big problem was the fact that she was a powerful witch, and had absorbed an enormous amount of dark magic. That is what drove her over the edge, nearly destroying the world. But again, someone had reached out to her. Xander. Reminded her of her humanity, and allowed her to become what she was… a terribly grieving woman. Not evil.

Buffy knew it was her chance now. Her chance to reach out, to bring Willow back from the edge. And it was important to her. She'd failed Willow in so many ways before. With Oz, with Tara, even with Kennedy. Now, Faith. But she'd been so self involved, so concerned about her own feelings, she hadn't reached out, helped the one person that meant everything to her. She'd walked away, she'd cowered, when she was needed most. No more, no more.

And she was ultimately, hoping that somehow they could put it back together… Will and her. Cause the one thing this week had taught her was that she needed Will. Needed her badly. And that life without her in it, no matter how little a part she would have to play, would be no life at all.

She realized now that walking away hadn't been noble. It'd been selfish. She should have bowed out, but stayed close. So, she could have helped Will through this time. It must have been awful for her, and of course, once again, I let her down. I promise, Will, If you'll just hang on for me, just a little longer, I won't do it again. Ever. I need you , Will. We need each other. Please don't turn me away. Please, let me help you. I love you, Will. Please, let me prove it to you.

Throughout the rest of her trip, she repeated that to herself. It became her mantra. She quietly chanted it to herself, as something inside her started yelling at her to hurry, hurry.

She knew somehow time was running out.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow sat in the bath, letting the warm waters drift her away.

The smell was bothering her a little bit, but that soon wouldn't matter. None of it would matter. All that mattered would be done.

As her mind drifted, she remembered her life. How she met Buffy that first day she came to Sunnydale. How Buffy had profoundly changed her life. How much Buffy had meant to her, and all the good things, and bad things, they'd shared. She seemed to see Buffy reaching out to her, saying "Wait, wait, I'm almost there. Wait for me Will". But it was too late to wait. She'd waited too long. Time to move on, to go on.

And she saw Faith. How'd she'd hated Faith when she met her. She'd felt jealousy of what Faith had shared with Buffy; something Willow could never share with Buffy. Being a slayer.

And then, there was that trip back from L.A. with Faith, when Faith came to help Buffy with the first. And how they'd gotten to talking , and how they got to know each other. And her feelings for Faith had begun to change.

And then that night, that night that had been so miserable and wonderful. How fighting with Buffy had been miserable, and how Faith had managed to make it wonderful. How she fell for Faith that night. But suppressed it. Until Faith showed up at her door, and let her know in no uncertain terms how she felt. So unlike Buffy.

And they'd been happy. So happy. And then it was cut cruelly short. By something even her Faith, her strong, resilient Faith couldn't fight. And as she watched Faith, saw her change, Willow changed with her. As Faith died, slowly, so did Willow. And when at last Faith really died, so did Willow. Her body just didn't know it yet.

And now it was time. Time. And she lay back, and let the warm water lull her into sleep.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy was like a madwoman.

Every little delay, every hold up was driving her closer to the edge. She was ready to hurt people, something she'd only done reluctantly before. But it almost seems to be a law that when you're in a hurry, everything slows to a crawl. Finally she got through the airport, collected her luggage, and hailed a cab. She was on edge, the voice in her yelling louder to hurry, hurry. Time is almost gone. She doubled the cabman's fare to get her to Willow's address as fast as possible. And he tried.

But they hit a traffic snarl. They crawled along for what seemed an hour, and finally broke free. Buffy was a wreck. Her nerves were on edge, and she was shaking. The voice inside no longer urged her to hurry. It just kept saying " Too late, you're too late". That scared her.

They pulled up in front of the apartment building. She jumped out of the cab, paid the driver and flew up the stairs. She didn't bother with the elevator, but went up the fire stairs to Willow's floor. She ran to the door, and knocked. No response. She knocked louder, still nothing. She yelled, and knocked louder yet, bringing out some neighbors. She just glared at them, and they just shut their doors. Finally, she was desperate…then remembered she still had her key. She fumbled with her key ring, and finally found it. She opened the door, and rushed inside. No one. The lights were on, but no one was here. What?

Then she heard the music playing softly in the bathroom. Buffy felt a moment of relief. Maybe she was just taking a bath, hadn't heard me. Then a cold feeling came over her, and she tried the bathroom door. It was locked. She applied slayer strength, and broke the lock. She opened the door…walked in…then backed out. She turned, her face was blanched…she staggered, then fell to her knees. She vomited. A faint coppery smell permeated the room. By sheer will, she got back on her feet, and went back into the bathroom. She felt the pulse point on her neck, but there was no pulse. She knew there wouldn't be. The water was red with her blood. She was too late.

In a daze, her mind not even reacting, she called 911.  They responded in 10 minutes, and confirmed what she already knew. She was gone. They asked if she were related to the deceased(god, that is so cold…deceased, like an animal). She said no, she was her friend, her best friend. But that she would contact the relatives. They told her that they would contact the coroner's office, and that it would take time for them to respond. She just nodded, not really hearing them. Not really hearing, or seeing, or feeling anything.

After they left, she walked around in a daze. She cleaned up the place she had vomited, and then…just let the cloth fall. She wandered around, and finally, wound up on the floor. Sitting. Her body, her mind in shock. She waited for hours for the coroner's department to show up. When they did, they asked if she had found the deceased(again, that word). Yes. They asked again if she were related. No, friend. Did she know the next of kin? Yes, she would contact them. They told her there would be an investigation. They would have to seal the place as a crime scene. But from all indications it looked like a suicide. Buffy just stared at them, her mind not comprehending. She nodded. They brought in a stretcher, and body bag. They put Willow in it, and zipped it. That's when it broke. Buffy broke down, and threw herself on the body. She cried. And cried. They gently tried to pry her away, but she was too strong. Finally, gathering her senses, she let go, and they took the body away. They told her, as gently as possible, that she would have to leave now. She just nodded. She turned, and left.

She sat on the stoop, her luggage surrounding her. The sobs came, wracking her body. She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. Why? This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be alive. Buffy was supposed to help her. But Buffy was too late. again. Too late. like so often before, she felt she'd failed her. This time, for the last time.

Her sorrow turned to rage. She looked up into the heavens and screamed. " HOW? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? HOW COULD YOU LET ME FAIL? I'VE SAVED THE GODDAMNED WORLD 7 TIMES. I'VE DIED TO SAVE THE WOLRD. AND YOU COULDN'T , WOULDN'T LET ME SAVE HER? GODDAMN YOU ALL!!!! YOU WOULDN'T LET ME SAVE HER!!!!!!" The grief, and the pain overcome her. She just sort of collapses into her luggage, lying there, crying. Not knowing or caring what anyone thinks.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

After the police released the apartment, she recovered Willow's address book, and started making the calls.

She called her parents first, but they were ' not available'. Each time she called them, the response was the same. Well, what did she really expect from the Rosenbergs, anyway? They'd never 'been available' to her in her life. Why now?

She called Giles. She could hear the low gasp, then him recovering. But the pain was evident in his voice. He asked what he could do? She said, just be here when the services are scheduled.

She called Xander. He nearly broke down on the phone. She knew exactly how he felt. He said he'd be there, no matter what.

She called Angel. When she talked to him, she found out he didn't know about Faith's death. That was odd. But, maybe …it didn't matter, could he come? He promised he would be there.  He said he would tell Wes, and Fred and the rest.

Slowly she made her way through the address book. Some would come, some wouldn't. It was weird. She felt so disconnected from it all. In a way, it just seemed pointless. But she did it, nonetheless.

The funeral was surreal to her. So Angel could attend, they arranged to bury Willow at dusk. It was all like being in a dream, a horrible dream. The Rabbi at the temple, and the Wicca Priestess at the gravesite, all said the right words, the right things. But it didn't seem real. It couldn't be real. It was some kind of horrible mistake, some kind of twisted joke. Willow isn't, couldn't be dead. That isn't Willow…that's some body. That's not her. She's not here. Where is she? I need her, now, where IS SHE?

Buffy couldn't stand by the rest. Somehow, she just felt no connection…they were like shadows on this already overcast day. With some bitterness, she wondered, Where were they? (then, regretting it, realizing she hadn't been here) Where were WE? When she needed us. When Faith passed away? Why was she alone? Why hadn't anyone come? But those were questions without answers, she would never know the why. All she knew was that the people she'd loved for so long were no longer real to her. Giles, Xander, Dawn, Angel…all shadows, ghosts, not real. The only one real was Willow, and she wasn't here. That was only her shell…the covering for what she'd been. Willow was gone, and not coming back.

After the service, they came up to her, making the appropriate noises. She returned the appropriate noises, but it was all hollow, meaningless. Reality was bent. There was nothing here that was real to her. They were holding a wake for Willow, and hoped they would see her there. She made noises like she'd see them there, but she didn't. She didn't go. She stayed by the graveside, all through the evening and on into the night.

She tried to comprehend, to understand. To get a meaning from it all. But it didn't work. She couldn't make sense of it. It was all shadows and dust, illusion and smoke. None of it could be, would be real to her.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Buffy got up from her place at the beach. She came here often to think. The sense of the ocean, its vastness, it's sense of eternity, is comforting to her.

She makes her way back to town, and stops at the florist's shop for the roses. 4 roses, 3 red, 1 white. She stops at the same florist every day, and they know her now. They smile at her, and she returns the smile, but it's a sad smile on both ends. They know what the flowers are for. Even after all this time, nearly a year now, they can see the grief is still fresh on her face. They hope secretly someday she will come in less and less, as the grief fades.

But the grief doesn't seem like it will fade. Buffy's heart is like a raw wound, the pain ever present. She hovers in that gray world between life and death, not knowing which way she will choose. She doesn't live, she just exists.

She has separated herself from her past. Dropped out of sight of her friends and family. She lives in San Francisco, working enough to get by. She has become one of the faceless in a city of faceless people. She doesn't care. It's what she wants.

What keeps her going is her daily ritual. She goes and buys flowers. And places them on the side by side graves of Faith and Willow.

She places two red roses on Willow's grave. One from herself, and one from Faith. As she knew she would do if she were here. And on Faith's grave, she places one red, and one white rose, the red from Will, the white from herself.

Occasionally she'll put other things on the graves. Maybe a pretty shell she finds. Or something she thinks they might like. Of course, after time it all disappears; the caretakers tend to clear things from the graves after a month or so. But she likes to imagine that Faith and Will come to recover the items. That they are pleased with her offerings. It brings her a little solace.

She traces the engraving on the headstone she bought them. It's a double stone, and reads as follows:

Willow Rosenberg ======== Faith DeMarco

b.1981 d.2005 ===========b.1982 d.2005

Their love is eternal, even death couldn't break

the bonds. May happiness find them on their 

journey together.

Buffy sits at the graves, thinking about her life. About her life with Willow. And with Faith. She remembers the advice she gave Willow on the first day she met her. They were in the Bronze, and Willow at that time was so shy, she had a hard time dating. Buffy had told her " Seize the moment. For tomorrow you might be dead". 

The thought brought a bitter smile to her face. She'd had plenty of those moments. Moments she could have seized, and maybe now things would be different. But she'd failed, through her lack of courage, to take her own advice. And now it was too late.

For now she was alone, totally alone.

After all.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Fin.


End file.
